“We use stories to order and make sense of our lives, to define who we are, even to construct our realities” – John Capecci
We have already written a little about Concerns when we asked what you believe might prevent you both achieving the things you both want from mediation. One way to consider Concerns is to see them as expressions of things that are important to the person expressing them.
For example, if someone says that they are concerned about having to leave their home they are in effect expressing that it is important to them to remain in their home. A simple example we know but it makes the point, hopefully.
Therefore, we will skip to the next question which is;
Q10.Briefly explain how you believe the current dispute has arisen?
Although this question flies in the face of the outcome focussed nature of mediation, many people feel it is important for the mediator to understand their side of the story, their narrative.
From the mediator’s perspective, listening to and understanding your version of events, your reality, can provide an important opportunity to listen for beliefs, levels and degrees of self-reflection and insight, as well as provide an opportunity to build rapport and a connection with you, necessary for the success of mediation.
Narratives can also provide an invaluable clue to the things of most importance to you, the things you give meaning to in your narrative, the things you feel most intensely about, your values and beliefs.
Although it will be your narrative based on your experiences and perspectives, it will be very real for you, your reality and very likely to be influencing (your Map) how you think and see the current situation (the Territory) and behave towards the other person.
These things can form very real and personal barriers to effective communication (negative or limiting beliefs) as well as positive opportunities (positive beliefs) in mediation which need to be understood by you both and the mediator, many of which may need to be overcome before you can reach a successful outcome.
They are often the reasons you have both become so disconnected and untrusting of each other.
A curiosity about your narrative, your own version of events, and whether it is serving you well in the current situation or not can can contribute to the quality of your insight and self-restraint and enhance your ability to maintain an open and flexible mindset, crucial to the success of mediation.
It can be very important to accept that someone may have a very different memory and perception of the experience you describe resulting in a very different belief about it and you. This does not make them right and you wrong or you right and them wrong, just different!