“ A golden opportunity not to be missed ” Author of the Divorce Manual
This section seeks to answer the question, ‘what is mediation’? by beginning with an aspiration, an aspiration which many separating couples share at the time of separation but struggle to believe is possible, given the emotional turmoil and experiences they have of each other and the situation, which influences and shapes their decision making.
When you have read this section and/or watched this video please take a quiet moment to visualise and project yourself and life two years into the future, your ‘post-separation world story’.
Imagine that two years has now passed and all the intense feelings you had at the time of separation are a foggy memory.
They may not have disappeared (psychologically speaking, the more intensively negative your feelings were at the time the more likely they are to be etched into your memory) but hopefully they are not consuming your every thought. They feel much more manageable now, not so painful.
The vision is one of a new settled life, a life in which you and your former partner are each playing your full part, working together as parents, in your new homes with different routines and maybe even with new partners.
In this section and supporting video, we want you to join us in designing the ideal ‘Resolution’ process which helped you to achieve this future, using 6 main component parts.
- Founding principles
Let us begin with the Founding Principles which underpin the whole process, the mindset and kind of approach necessary to achieve your desired outcomes, based on what most separating couples tell us they need from the ideal process.
Most separating couples we speak to want to avoid court and solicitor-led negotiations and reach their own financial agreements and child arrangements, IF they thought they could.
Based on this assumption, let us create a process which focuses on motivating, enabling, empowering and supporting you and your former partner to do just that, a process based on the principles and values of good intent, commitment, self-determination, accountability and responsibility.
Self-determination and accountability are all well and good but can be tough to live up to so what help and support might you each need to enable you to take on your share of the responsibility for doing what it takes to work together sufficiently well so that you are able to honour your commitment to jointly construct your own agreements and remain accountable to each other, for doing this?
- A Personal Guide
What about a Personal Guide, someone independent, specifically trained to help you both communicate in difficult and often conflictual circumstances, someone who can provide you with reliable legal information and resources when needed (and guide you around this Divorce Manual) so that you can make informed decisions.
In other words, a neutral facilitator and information provider. For the moment, let us refer to them simply as your ‘Guide’ through the separation journey ahead.
This person must be able to ensure that each of you feels individually supported, as well as supported to work together as an effective outcome solution focused team.
With this in mind, if and when you need the help of other experts such as child experts or financial experts like Accountants and pension Actuaries, your Guide can ensure that their involvement is solution and outcome focused, efficient, neutral and cost effective.
All this can be quite demanding for your Guide and present a difficult tightrope to walk but one which is walked every day by trained and skilled neutral family facilitators (Mediators).
- Voluntary participation
If you and your former partner are going to be able to work together positively and constructively with your Guide it is very important that neither of you feel compelled to do so. It has to come from both of you if you are to feel committed and motivated.
A sense of independence and freedom of choice (core value of autonomy) is incredibly important to most people. This feeds into the need to feel that you own or at least partly own the decision-making process (and outcome) and feel heard and understood along the way.
The quickest way to ensure that an open, co-operative mindset is shut down is if you to feel that you are not being listened to, told what to do or, indeed, morally judged for your decisions.
If you do, you will certainly not feel committed and motivated to work together to overcome obstacles as and when they arise during the process.
Our experience is that without this motivation and commitment to a mediated separation process it will feel a struggle and is likely to fail at some point along the way.
We write much more about the importance of good intent and commitment in the Chapter and video series- Preparing to communicate in mediation
Also, an agreement which feels imposed on you is unlikely to stand the test of time and can cause long term resentment. In most cases these kinds of agreements are unsustainable.
We all know how damaging long-term resentment and unresolved conflict can be on you and particularly your children and hold you back from creating ‘new futures’ for yourselves.
If you are not already fully aware of this impact, you really do need to ask your personal Guide for more information, because the long- term effects on children can be frightening.
We write and talk more about these areas in the chapter and videos about preparing to communicate in mediation (video) and the effects of separation on children of different ages (video).
- Confidentiality
Having decided to commit to and work with your Guide and former partner to reach outcomes for yourselves you will want to feel safe and secure that what is said during your meetings cannot be used against you, if your mediation does not succeed and if you end up in court.
You will need to feel secure enough in the process to share ideas, views, opinions and explore a range of options whether they are ones you have thought about or not and whether or not they feel challenging to your values, interests and needs, on the way to reaching a successful outcome you both feel you ‘jointly own’.
Until you feel comfortable and confident enough with the outcome/agreement you have both reached it is simply a conversational exploratory journey and space which needs to feel safe and secure (comfortable) enough.
Discussions must therefore be confidential before there can be an open and honest exchange of views, and concerns and before all options for agreement can be openly and robustly explored.
- Teamwork
If other family experts are needed such as a pension expert or an accountant to value a business, you will want to know that this will be carefully and efficiently managed in an open, transparent and contained way by your Guide, working closely with you and the other experts, saving everyone time and costs.
We refer to this process of convening the right time for the task in hand as ‘Mediation Teaming’.
Please have a look at the chapters about pensions in divorce and business interests in divorce for more detail as well as the chapter about how solicitors can best support you in the mediation process- solicitor supported mediation.
Equally, if you need help from other supporting organisations, you will want the route to these organisations to be clearly signposted and to know what is going to happen when you get there.
We provide information about lots of great websites in this Manual including a brief explanation about the information offered.
This is where your Guide and their knowledge about this Divorce Manual and these organisations can help.
- Timeframes
It is not unusual for one person to want the process to go faster and the other person to want the process to go more slowly.
This is often linked to the different emotional journeys you and your former partner might be experiencing.
Have a look at the Grief cycle guide for more information about this.
Therefore, you both need a process in which you can discuss these difference of ‘feelings and needs’ and come to an agreement about timeframes and timetables, a process in which you can agree who is going to do what and by when, a process which respects each person’s views, feelings and needs, which is outcome and solution focussed and cost effective.
So, in summary, what is the ideal process to secure your future?
Remember, the future vision you set out with.
We now have the 6 main components, the building blocks for the ideal dispute resolution process we have been designing.
- A process based on the principles of self-determination, focussed on helping you and your former partner work together, avoiding a more adversarial approach and court.
- A process in which you both feel fully supported by a neutral facilitating Guide (Mediator).
- A process which is voluntary to which you feel committed and in which you feel supported to reach your own agreements.
- A process which is confidential in which you both feel you can openly and honestly explore options, views and concerns.
- A process in which you can be supported by other family professionals in a ‘joined up’, efficient and carefully managed way.
- A process where you both play a part in managing the timetable which is focused and cost effective.
This process is FAMILY MEDIATION
Give it a go!