“Give children a choice and a voice in matters that affect their lives” – Haim Ginott
General approach and principles
5 key principles
When deciding whether and, if so, how to provide your child with an opportunity to ‘have an independent voice’ when you separate there are many things to consider but let us start with some key principles you might want to use to guide your decisions.
These are just some principles you might want to consider.
You may well come up with others for yourselves or when you are working together as parents in and outside the mediation process and with the experts.
When trying to reach joint decisions regarding your children it is important that, as the parents and decision makers, you discuss and try to agree the principles upon which you are basing your thinking and approaches. These will then guide your discussions and keep you accountable to these principles.
Principle 1
Children have a ‘Human Right’ to be heard in respect of decisions made about them if they choose to, dependant on their age and understanding (capacity).
This right or principle is enshrined in Article 12 UN Rights of the child. Have a look in our resources section at a summary of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child
It is worth remembering that these rights exist to protect children from potential harm. This is paramount. They exist to be taken notice of and integrated into any decision-making process relating to children when parents separate.
It is also worth bearing in mind that the opportunity to be listened to and understood (Right to be heard), when parents separate, more often than not empowers children, leading them to feeling more loved and secure (respected and cared for) and therefore better able to cope with the separation process resulting in more positive long term benefits to their mental health.
Closely linked to the right to be heard is a child’s right to receive good quality information appropriate and relevant to decisions being made about them delivered in a way that is supportive and appropriate to their age, maturity and understanding which often requires careful consideration and discussion
Informing and listening your children provides them with the opportunity to express their own concerns and priorities.
As pointed out just now, an important question is of course, how best to do this in each individual case (depending on, among other things, the age and maturity of each child) whilst also balancing the rights and needs of each parent and child carer?
Principle 2
Children of whatever age need a healthy balance of a need and opportunity to ‘explore and develop’ with the need to ‘feel loved, secure, and safe’ (Circle of Security).
These core needs and values must be reflected in all discussions and decisions made about children when their parents separate.
They must inform, influence and shape the decision-making process and outcomes relating to decision made about children.
As well as these core needs it is essential that parents and decision makers centre their decision making around the full range of needs of each individual child relevant to them and their situation (child centred approach and decision making)
Getting this right will result in the children feeling empowered and more positive
Have a look at Chapter 13- creating a Parenting plan and in particular section 4- Your child questionnaire
Principle 3
You don’t know what you don’t know- So, keep an open, flexible mindset.
“Substitute judgement and assumption with understanding”
Please do not fall into the common trap of assuming that you always know what is best for your children and what your children are thinking, feeling and needing. You are not ‘mind readers’.
Try to maintain an open, sensitive, humble and empathically curious mindset and approach, willing to listen to what your children are telling you they are needing (verbally and through their behaviour), without reaction or judgement (about them, yourself or the other parent) so that you can focus your energy on ways to meet these needs including how you are going to work with the other parent to meet these needs (and each others’ needs, as parents-Team approach).
Parents can often benefit from the support of a professional to help them separate their own thoughts and feelings about the other parent (The divorce story) from the business of parenting and meeting their child’s needs.
Have a look at chapter 15- Coach supported mediation.
Principle 4
Each childs’ needs (at every level) must be identified, clarified, and prioritised.
Children have a right to have their needs met so it is important that in each situation, among other things, each child is supported to clarify and express their needs, especially those which they feel are not being met.
By needs we mean physical, emotional and psychological needs most of which arise from the very central core human need to feel loved and emotionally secure.
Sometimes, children’s behaviours can change during separation. Often their behaviours can seem confusing or out of character to parents but behaviours are often means of communication by children who might not understand their feelings, themselves.
Have a look at chapter 13 which covers the impact of separation on children.
When we get to the root of why a child feels or behaves the way they do, and respond to it early on with the right support, it can be an important factor in mitigating against lasting harm to the child.
Finally, child development theory can be really helpful to parents to understand both the degree to which a child can make informed decisions about their lives (Gillick Competence) at different ages and degrees of maturity, but also in applying a knowledge of child development to their arrangements, such as by referring them to books like Two Homes, One Childhood by Robert Emery, which discusses a child’s needs across two homes at different developmental stages of their life and Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak which helps parents to understand how to support children if they have been exposed to conflict between their parents helping them to work on their resilience at different developmental stages of their childhood
See principle 2 above relating to some primary needs at the core of developing resilience.
Principle 5
Act, as parents, in a way that ‘maximises the realisation’ of the outcome you desire for your children i.e. meeting their needs
It is for a child’s parents (and any child expert professional involved) to do their best (everything within their role and responsibility), working together, to identify and support each child’s needs at every neurological level.
Constantly ask yourselves whether what you are doing and saying in respect of the children, to each other as parents and to the children directly, is helping you to achieve your desired outcome of meeting your children’s needs and whether there is anything you could be saying or doing differently by way of improvement.
For example, it is important for mediators working with parents to help the parents understand what is going on for their children and to base future options and decisions on this understanding.
If each parent’s desired outcome is for their children to feel emotionally secure for example here are some powerful questions to ask yourselves:
- Are your actions (how you are behaving towards each other and the children) maximising the likelihood that your children’s needs are being met and especially the core need for each child to feel as emotionally secure as possible given their situation? Children often see more than their parents realise and can often pick up on tones of voice, silences and mood changes in their parents after a conversation together.
- What can you each be doing better to meet your children’s needs?
- How can you be co-operating better to meet your children’s needs, at this time?
See parenting questionnaire in chapter 12– This chapter provides tips and techniques to help parents.
So, many children tell us that the main thing they want is for their parents to stop arguing (What do children say?)
Have a look at the Family Justice Young People’s Board document- What do children say?
Wanting your children’s views to be heard is of course not the same as your children wanting their views and feelings to be heard and understood.
They may not wish to express their views to a child expert. They may be talking to friends or teachers at school, or may have spoken to experts from other organisations like the Social Services or CAFCASS and might not wish to speak to another professional so please do not assume they wish to be heard.
Also, please be alert to the inclination of your child to want to please you or, at least, not to do anything to disappoint either parent which can lead to them feeling very conflicted.
So, please consider whether it might be more appropriate for someone else they trust to ask them whether they would like the opportunity to explain how they are feeling and any concerns they might be feeling.