“ Problem talk’ creates problems, ‘Solution talk’ creates solutions” – Steve de Shazer
In this section and video, before we set out our 10-stage framework we will highlight some of the major emotional challenges and ‘Triggers’ you may encounter before and during mediation.
So often, as mediators, we find ourselves faced with helping two or more people, who, may among many other things:
1. Be at very different stages of the emotional ‘Grief cycle’,
2. Be have very different personalities and communicate, process and express information very differently,
3. Have very different ‘Stories’ and perspectives about each other and what has happened, and
4. Have many competing interests, wanting to achieve some very different things in mediation.
The mediation process informs as mediators that the mediation process is tough and can sometimes bring out the worst in human behaviour, as its tests mental resilience and self-restraint. However, for those willing to make the effort and commit themselves, the mediation process can also bring out the best in them, as they rise to the challenges.
It can feel stressful and sometimes distressing to have to communicate and collaborate with someone you might no longer like or trust very much, who brings out the worst in you and with whom you are, and have been, constantly in conflict over recent weeks, months or even years.
In an ideal world, mediation requires everyone to be in a flexible, open, calm, curious and collaborative mindset, whereas in reality the pressures and stress of mediation narrows perspectives and triggers negative emotions leaving people feeling and reacting in angry and defensive ways.
Does the following narrative look and/or feel familiar?
‘’ I have considered all the options and thought of everything. I cannot imagine any other approaches or perspectives. You are just trying to force the situation on me. You are trying to manipulate and control me. You are not happy unless I am suffering. I don’t trust, respect or even like you, and anyway, why should I listen to you. You don’t deserve it and never listen to me. We are in this situation because of you. You just make me so mad.’’
You may recognise some of this from your own internal dialogue/narrative or, more likely, this represents some of what you hearing and experiencing from the other person(s).
This is a voice motivated by fear, anxiety and mistrust. It is defined by rigid, binary and polarised defensive thinking and behaviour.
This voice and person is so caught up with insisting that their views are correct, that they are right and the other person is wrong and that the other person and/or adverse circumstances are to blame that they quickly lose, among other things, rational perspective and the capacity for curiosity, self-awareness, self-restraint and empathy, some of the key ingredients needed for constructive quality solution focused communication, in mediation.
The person on the receiving end is very likely to experience frustration and anger as they feel unheard, misunderstood, judged, blamed and, consequently, shut down when they hear what they perceive as a torrent of moralistic judgement and blame which then ensures that the other person feels unheard, misunderstood, judged, blamed….. and so on, as the cycle of conflict is perpetuated.
But, what if, instead, this is the voice you hear in your head?
Let’s see if we can get through and sort this out together”.
How different does this feel for you and how different might it feel to the other person you are in mediation with?
So much more hopeful!
On hearing this from the other person wouldn’t YOU feel less angry, less defensive and more willing to try hard (self restrained) and share the responsibility for sorting things out together, especially if you both believe and feel, from each other, that you are each willing to do your best, despite the difficult circumstances.
In this way you are far more likely to feel able to adopt a mindset and approach, aligned with your core values and principles and, ultimately feel ‘drawn back’ and answerable to these core values and your conscience, if and when you feel yourself losing your way and behaving in negative ways which feel uncomfortable to you (incongruent with your morals, beliefs and values).
You are far more likely to be able to ‘hold your head up high’ with pride and determination and ‘rise above’ the angry voice in your head trying to persuade you that you are quite justified and entitled to be angry, judge, blame and punish the other person.
This chapter is all about helping you to move from a conversation with others based on rigid, defensive thinking and behaviour to a much more flexible dialogue, based on and ‘connected’ by mutual core values, in which each person in mediation feels more willing and able to make the effort to understand each other and work together around a common purpose (to find solutions together), recognising and acknowledging the emotions at play and the need for self-restraint, when things feel a little tough.
It all begins with an understanding that for mediation to succeed there must be a solid common good intent and commitment to make changes in the way you communicate with each other, focusing not on point scoring, winning and being right but on recognising and connecting with the common human values at play (things of importance and meaning to each of you) in each other so that you can go on to have a meaningful conversation around things of importance to each of you.
In the next section we look at how to create and build the kind of solid good intent necessary for mediation, congruent with your values, which is going to help you get through the rough patches, when the going gets tough.