“Peace cannot be kept by force: it can only be achieved by understanding.” – Unknown
“Smooth sailing does not require a smooth sea”- Andrea Gibson- Poet Laureate
Experiencing mediation can feel like being on a boat in rough seas and unknown waters, in the fog, with an uncertain destination !
Once you push off from shore you quickly realise how well prepared you are, or not!
This chapter and video series is all about helping and supporting you to prepare yourself for that moment, the moment you come into mediation with your former partner to communicate, resolve and solve things together.
Whether you are in mediation to work out a maintenance agreement, how to divide your assets including pensions and business interests or creating a Parenting Plan together and improving your co-parenting relationship (and communication), this chapter together with its guides and exercises will be key to your success.
When we refer to ‘preparing yourself’ in the context of this chapter we are referring to the process of priming, preparing and supporting yourself psychologically (mindset) and emotionally, ready to communicate with others in mediation, to an extent which will enable you to make decisions, resolve conflict and reach solution-based outcomes, and to do this together.
More specifically, we are referring to the need to be able to communicate, at a sufficiently empathic and ‘connected’ level, ensuring that everyone feels heard and understood, ‘opening up a space’ for you to resolve conflict and find solutions together, in mediation, when this may be the last thing you ‘feel’ like doing as you move through your emotional journey (Grief cycle).
We recognise that especially under pressure, stress, and distress, human nature tends towards more binary forms of communication and behaviour based on the notions of fight/flight, Them/Us, Right/Wrong, Good/Bad and Win/Lose, rather than the more nuanced and ‘human developed’ (emotionally developed) forms of communication and behaviours we write about in this chapter and talk about in the videos, based on meeting each other’s core human needs (practical, psychological, emotional).
Many years of mediation experience across a wide range of challenging family situations has reinforced many times over that when the conversation focuses on outcomes and solutions, based on meeting our core human needs (social needs and core values) (practical, psychological, emotional) we find it is easier to manage our emotions and emotional responses (self-regulation).
In doing so we are more likely to achieve empowering needs based outcome focused solutions although, guess what, when the conversation focuses on our past narratives, our realities, our experiences unique to ourselves (most of which differ and some significantly) and problems we generate more problems for ourselves, often based on judgement and blame and feelings of anger and frustration which accompany a sense of disempowerment and feelings of ‘stuckness’
In this chapter and video series we will provide you with a working communication framework, divided into 5 stages, each with its own video and practice resources, to help you to stay focused on outcomes and solutions, based on meeting your own and each others core needs/values.
10 Stage Framework
Stage 1-
In this section and video, before we explain the 5-stage framework, we write and talk (acknowledge and normalise) about some major emotional challenges and conflictual communication narratives you may encounter, before and during mediation, on the basis that being ‘forewarned is being forearmed’.
This will provide some context and focus, as you watch the following videos and read this chapter.
Stage 2-
Commitment and Intent (Purpose)
In this section and video, we write and talk about the importance and need for you to be very clear about your intent, the intent (based on important values) you are going to act upon and be held accountable for when you come into mediation and for this to be aligned with your ‘core values’, guiding and driving your behaviour.
Your statement of intent will be your guide and ‘Compass’, helping to you to stay focused and committed to the primary purpose of mediation, as you navigate the mediation journey, to resolution.
We will help you create one that works for you to help you stay focussed and forward looking.
Stage 3-
In this section and video we focus on helping you to clarify and understand for yourself and ‘connect with’ any unmet needs which may be motivating you, influencing and driving your behaviour, which will, in turn, hopefully ‘open you up’ to an increasing willingness and ability to understand and connect with what might be motivating and influencing the other person’s behaviour, in mediation.
We will help you to ask yourselves a series of questions which get to the root of all this.
Stage 4–
Having helped you to develop a clearer understanding and ‘connect with’ what is motivating you and others, we move on to offer you some skills to help you communicate and ‘connect with’ the other person and uncover with them what might be motivating them to behave in a way which you are finding difficult.
Again, we provide you with a questionnaire to help you with this process
Stage 5–
Sticks and Stones- Self-managing strong emotions
At this stage, we offer some strategies for emotional self-regulation and self-restraint because, undoubtedly, there will be times when your calm, rational self, will be tested and it is this SELF which can be in most demand, in mediation as you explore things that might feel challenging or threatening to your values, interest, needs and identity.
We also provide you with a guide on ‘Grounding techniques‘ and some breathing techniques which might help.
Stages 6,7,8
Practice Parts (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)
Once you have thought about, better understand and feel connected with why the other person and you may be behaving in the way you have both been behaving, often locked in cycle of conflict, you will be ready to think about and prepare for how you are going to approach mediation, your mindset, the kind of conversation you may need to have with the other person or people about what they may be needing from you and what you may be needing them, in order to unlock and resolve your conflict and find value and needs-based outcome focused solutions, together.
This requires rehearsal and practice to do it well and be ready for when the times comes.
Stage 9-
Because this is such an important area, we have dedicated a section and video to the important difference between ‘making requests and making demands’, offering you some tips and techniques about how to frame your requests in a way which should, if done well, reduce the likelihood that your requests are perceived as demands.
This is key to being able to positively influence each other in mediation, especially if one or both of you are feeling particular sensitive to judgement and blame, so that ‘the Needs’ and Values of most importance to you and your former partner remain the focus of your energy and attention.
Stage 10 –
Just before you go into mediation.
In the final section and video of the series, we provide you with some strategies to help you stay on track, remembering the ‘choppy seas’ we referred to in the introduction.
What is going to keep your mind and actively listening ears clear, open, curious, committed, focused, ’connected’ and self-restrained, when your journey gets a bit rough?
You will find a list of ‘grounding techniques’ on the webpage relating to this chapter. You may find one or two that work for you and help you to keep you calm, centre, focused and alert and help you to reset your mindset, when needed.
There are also many great ‘breathing techniques’ which help to keep your body and mind grounded and connected which helps with emotional self-regulation. Have a look at the breath technique guide which you will find on the webpage supporting this chapter.
When you have read this chapter and/or watched our videos and perhaps made use of some the document resources, our hope is that you will feel much better prepared for what lies ahead and better able to engage in a Solution, Needs and Value based outcome-focused dialogue (distinguished from a point scoring debate), about what really matters to you and the others involved in mediation.
If you feel that you would benefit from working with a trained divorce (conflict management) coach at any stage your mediator can help put you in touch with one. This can certainly help when it comes to the practice section.
Good luck and onto the next section of the series all about the context of the work we are talking about