“The world we want to create gives birth to our intent” – Bill Wise (Ask Powerful questions)
This section and video covers the importance of ‘commitment and intent’ as the foundations for a successful mediation process
Mediation is about co-operation and collaboration, not coercion, so if you come into mediation with a fixed mindset and approach, determined to get what you want, at the expense of others, you are in the wrong place and mediation will fail.
Change your intent to change your mindset and approach. Your intent influences what you see as possible (or not, as the case may be).
Simply knowing what will be expected of you in mediation begins to prime and prepare your brain and body ready for the challenges ahead
We start this section with these words because, as mediators, we are sometimes surprised by the number of people who come into a process like mediation, believing that they will achieve what they want to achieve by using the language of coercion, judgement and blame (rather than ‘positive influence’).
Of course we realise that it might sometimes feel like an uncontrollable driving urge to react to a situation with blame and judgement because, quite frankly, if others are not to blame, who else is to blame for your predicament, you? That can feel very threatening to one’s ego state.
Simply put, judgement and blame are defensive behaviours, behaviours designed to protect ourselves from having to take some responsibility for our behaviour and the situations we can find ourselves in and to punish others.
Blaming and passing judgement lets people off the ‘responsibility hook’ and are often central to people’s narrative when they come into mediation, along with a narrative of self-entitlement and self-justification which again effectively distances the person from his or her sense of responsibility for their situation.
The blame narrative can go something like this.
When I lose my temper and behave in a way I am not proud of it is not because I am ‘intrinsically bad’. I act in this way because someone else made me. They provoked me. They are to blame for my behaviour. I am the victim here.
By thinking and saying this, a person is effectively handing ‘power’ over (disempowering) to the very person they are blaming for their behaviour suggesting that it is this person who decides their mood from one moment to the next (empowering them)?
Our experience as mediators is that when people feel disempowered in this way they often go on the offensive, in order to re-empower themselves, seeking to gain back some control over themselves and the situation. This need for ‘control’, as we will see, can take many different forms which are rarely productive and constructive.
Of course, it is easier said than done to maintain composure all the time, when you feel challenged or attacked, but you are going to have to find some way of managing your emotions, if mediation is to work or to express them in a way that still permits rational and structure conversation. The ‘rational brain’ can be all too easily hijacked by the ‘emotional brain’.
You will have to decide whether you feel up to this task with the mediator’s support, before you come into mediation. We cover this in more detail in the section about self-restraint, ‘ Sticks and stones…”.
It is also something to discuss with the mediator in the Mediation Information and Assessment meeting (MIAM) when you discuss your situation in your pre-mediation questionnaire. They should be able to assess whether they can help you and what help and support you are likely to need to be able to communicate with your former partner in mediation.
No one is asking you of course to be purely rational, but there needs to be a healthy balance between the rational,pragmatic and emotional response, an ability to express how strongly you feel about something and what you might be needing, without ‘losing your train of thought’.
Herein lies one of the main keys to successful mediation communication and decision-making, the need to be able to behave in a way that is congruent with your values, as well as empathically connected with and encouraging of others to do the same.
At the heart of a successful mediation is the need to communication with each other at a level which connects with and ‘speaks to’, as it were, each person’s experiences, their core values and needs, appealing to each person’s conscience and ‘better judgement’.
If you want another person to behave differently towards you, they will first need to see and accept the value and benefit in doing so towards them. This is part of what we mean when we refer to ‘working together, in mediation’.
“Seek to understand BEFORE seeking to be understood”
This approach requires a degree of empathy (cognitive and emotional) with one another, applying our rational, as well as ‘emotional brain’ working with both emotions, values and needs in a balanced and healthy way.
We cover this in much more when we write about the importance of cognitive and emotional empathy and the need for a empathically curious and humble approach in other articles.
So, how do you do this?
In mediation, this process starts with developing and clarifying your intentions and main priorities (values, interest, needs) for yourselves and from each other.
This is at the heart of the values and needs-based outcome focussed process, that is mediation.
For example, if you and others in mediation really believe that you all intend to do your best (good intent and fully committed) to sort things out together, in a principled and ethical way, connected and aligned with every ones’ core values and needs, you will be well on your way to communicating and resolving things together. Actions will of course subsequently speak louder than words.
Clear, meaningful statements of good intent provide a solid foundation, starting point and focus for the conversations that are going to take place in mediation.
We provide you with an example of a Statement of Intent on the webpage supporting this chapter.
They provide an anchor if and when things get a little tough. They keep everyone connected to the ‘core values’ we are referring to. They act as a guide, a Compass, for you and others in mediation, guiding you towards a principled, Needs and Value based approach and solution.
So, when you feel yourself or the other person or both of you, reacting angrily, resorting to judgement and blame, insisting that your views are the correct ones, ask yourselves some or all of the following questions:
- What are we actually trying to resolve or solve here (around the things of importance to each of us, things with meaning) or are we simply caught up (‘stuck’) in a pattern of needing to feel right to feel OK, in the world or is it something else?
The communication patterns we bring into mediation can feel very compelling and, at times, impossible to overcome.
- What is the other person needing in this moment of the conversation which is not being met which is causing them to feel the way they are expressing and behaving in the way they are behaving? (Seek to understand before asking to be understood. It works better that way)
The need to be respected, appreciated and understood perhaps? These are some of the common ‘communication values’
- What am I needing in this moment of the conversation which is not being met which are causing me to react and respond in this way? (Be clear about this so that you can explain this to the other person and perhaps ask for some time out to reflect or change the subject for the moment and reflect on this later so that you can clarify this for yourself. Don’t forget you can also ask the mediator for help with this process in mediation or work with a Coach outside the mediation process)
The need to be respected, appreciated and understood perhaps? (To be heard, see, understood and valued)
- How can we have a better conversation which gets to the bottom of what is important to each of us, congruent with and connected to our core values and needs?
We guarantee that if you set out in mediation with a clear and shared very deliberate intention and focus to do the following, you are much more than likely to succeed;
- Create space and pause to intently and curiously listen with an open mind (and heart, if you can manage it) for any feelings being expressed by the other person, hearing these primarily as indicators of unmet needs, connected to core values that are being challenged or threatened (curious empathic humble listening).
These could simply be the need to be listened to, understood, appreciated, respected, valued and so on which are triggering the emotions you are experiencing from each other person.
- Be curious, respectful, sensitive and willing to acknowledge and affirm the feelings being expressed, seeing and framing these in your mind again as indicators of unmet needs and not as personal attacks. This way of framing should help you with your own emotional self-regulation and managing your own self-restraint as you might be feeling attacked.
- Sensitively and empathically check back with the other person (reflect back and summarise) your understanding of what you might be saying or doing (what they might be needing) which is causing their behavioural triggers, so that you can go on to explore what and how you might each, among other things, adapt or modify how you are communicating with each other in order to get the best out of each other, agreeing steps you might both be able to take to support yourselves and each other, ensuring that you are able to bring your ‘best selves’ into the mediation conversation and able to work together, making decisions together and constructing practical solutions together around things valuable to each and both of you.
Remember that both of you are in mediation to (support each other) to achieve outcomes which include things of importance to each of you and to communicate with each other in a way which is sensitive to each other’s basic communication needs such as the need to be and feel listened to and to have one’s views respected, and so on. This is a shared and joint responsibility.
This way you will be able to have a conversation about what really matters to each person in mediation and construct outcomes to achieve as many of these as possible.
We do not for a moment suggest that these things will be easy to do but what we are saying is that a clear, articulated and written down statement of intentions for mediation, congruent with your core values and backed by a commitment to do them, is a great starting point.
By now you may be thinking to yourself, ‘give me some examples of what these kinds of value- aligned statements of intent might look like, sound like and feel like’.
Although you can find a list of example statements of intent on the webpage which accompanies this chapter, it is absolutely key that you prepare your OWN clear statements of intent, using your own words, based on your own values and what is important to you. Take your time with this. Work with your care and compassion.
Write down your intentions and share them with those closest to you, people you trust. Chat about them. Make sure that they feel authentic to you (congruent with your values) so that you can explain them to each other, in mediation.
You might even feel that it would be worth exchanging these with each other before mediation starts to give yourselves clarity and get yourselves into the right mindset, ‘anchoring yourselves’ into the process.
Remember that the quality of your intent and commitment is a crucial component to a successful mediation.
In the next section, we cover how to get to the bottom of and connect with your own ‘needs and unmet needs’, building an awareness in yourself of what is likely to influence your behaviour in mediation, in both a positive and negative way, so that you can make some different and empowering choices.