“Your most intimate relationship is the one you have with your thoughts”
“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are” – Anais Nina
“How would you describe the relationship you have with yourself ?” – Author Divorce Manual
This section and video covers what we mean by ‘understanding and connecting with yourself’ and how important this can be if mediation is going to be successful.
If you are really serious about using mediation as a positive opportunity to communicate and reach quality decisions and outcomes together your thoughts and behaviour must be sufficiently congruent/aligned with your core values (‘connected with’ your own core values and needs) which should , in turn, ‘open up a space’ in you (stimulating and mobilising your core human values of kindness, compassion, care, empathy…) enabling you to better able to connect with others, at a deeper level, in mediation (more able and available to connect with others).
If you are willing and committed to go through a process of self-reflection and examination, understanding, clarifying and connecting with the core values and needs motivating you (a process of self-empathy and compassion), you are likely to open yourself up to a greater willingness and capacity to explore, connect with and talk about the values and unmet needs driving the other person’s behaviour and any strong feelings being expressed (also building your capacity for self restraint-emotional self regulation)
Please have a look at the kind of feelings and needs we are referring to in this chapter, taken from the Compassionate or Non-violent communication model of communication which you will find on the webpage relating to this chapter.
We also provide you with a value-sort card and exercise produced by OHSU employee wellness program to help you identify and clarify the things of most importance to you working from your values upwards (chunking up-NLP).
If you are trying to identify what it is you are feeling and needing at any point whilst communicating (value based communication) with your former partner it helps to develop your emotional and ‘needs-based’ vocabulary so that you are more able to articulate for yourself and others the feelings you are experiencing and what you may be needing.
Also, if your intention is to come into mediation to construct value/need-based outcomes (value based outcomes) and solutions with your former partner with as many things of values to both of you it will pay to spend some time identifying and clarifying what these things might be and what might satisfy these values, as you explore your options together in mediation.
So, please become familiar with these lists and complete the value sorting exercise.
Beginning with a self-examination of your own feelings and ‘unmet needs’ in any given situation, should open up and begin a positive cycle of behaviour, empowering you and others, in mediation, to communicate at a deeper value and needs level, responding to each other in an open, honest, authentic way, building a mutual understanding of the values and needs motivating each of you and what you may be needing from each other to be able to communicate at a productive, constructive and outcome focussed way in mediation.
Only then will you begin to feel and be able to have a meaning dialogue (value based communication) around things which you and the other person(s) in mediation both value and to construct robust mediated outcomes around these things which you will both feel willing and able to commit to (value based outcomes).
These mediated outcomes will stand the test of time. They will be more robust and sustainable because they will have been based on meeting each other’s communication needs as well as achieving things each of you and both of you value (practical, psychological, emotional) some of which may be the same things and some of which may be very different.
The key point is that these outcomes will not have been imposed on you or your former partner by anyone or the court! They will be based on a process of self-determination. They will be owned by you both. What can be more self- empowering than that?
This is the case whether you are two parents trying to build your parenting relationship and agree long lasting practical child arrangements and future financial arrangements OR whether you exploring your financial options and constructing a financial agreement for your yourselves.
So, how do you do this?
What do you need to do to begin the process of examining, understanding, clarifying and connecting with the core values and unmet needs motivating and driving YOUR OWN behaviour BEFORE going go on to frame some requests you are going to make of others in mediation.
These may relate to the quality of communication with your former partner or things of practical, emotional and psychological value which the mediated outcome needs to satisfy.
In this section we give you some questions to ask yourself which should go some way to clarifying what you may be need for yourself and from the other person or people in mediation.
We also refer you to the Self-reflective questionnaire which you will find on this webpage. You might also want to have a look at the questionnaire for parents on the Parenting Plan chapter. The main aim of this questionnaire is to help you clarify some core beliefs and values, influencing what you and the other parent may need from each other, at a practical, emotional and psychological level, in order to improve your ‘parenting relationship’.
These questionnaires are designed to help you think differently about the things you normally might argue about with the people you are going into mediation with (insights) and what this might be telling you about what is important to each of you. They can easily be adapted to the context of your situation.
By the time you have completed the self-reflective questionnaire and finished reading this section or watching the video you will hopefully understand more clearly the importance of what we are writing about and the importance of preparing yourself for the likely conversations you are going to have.
Clarifying you own unmet needs (communication needs)
You are likely to have ‘a history’ (experiences, patterns) with the other person and therefore expectations and assumptions about how they might behave and treat you in mediation, based on ‘past experiences’ and patterns of communication and perhaps worried about your own ability to communicate with them in a way you would like, aligned with and congruent with your values (not letting yourself down).
Your concerns might be something like this;
When X does A or says B it makes me so mad and I am afraid that I will not be able to control myself in mediation and look a fool to everyone, including myself. I don’t want to feel humiliated, bullied or ashamed.
When you say ‘mad’, can you be more precise about your feelings, in these circumstances.
Is it frustration, is it anger and how intense is it? Do your best to get in touch with and describe the feelings. If it is anger and frustration for example, how intense are your feelings on a scale of 1-10 where 10 is the most intense you can imagine, almost uncontrollably intense, and 1 is a slight discomfort.
These feelings and their intensity are likely to be indicators of some core needs not being met for you (or values you hold dear being challenged or threatened) and how important these are to you and whether this is something you need to discuss with X in order not to let these negatively influence your ability to safely and securely communicate and explore options with X in mediation.
What is it about A and B that causes you to feel so angry and frustrated? What core needs are not being met and/or values being challenged?
Is it that you feel angry because you think he doesn’t respect what you have to say?
Is it because you believe that he doesn’t trust you and questions your integrity (which challenges you value of integrity which is incredibly important to your sense of self) or
Is it because you think he doesn’t appreciate how difficult it is for you or value your contributions?
Or is there some other reason? What else might it be?
Keep going with this exercise until you have connected any judgements of yourself, of the other person and the situation, with core needs/values in you that are not being met such as lack of understanding, trust, appreciation, respect, being valued and so on (elicit the values driving your behaviour-NLP). These will be the ones influencing your behaviour.
Use the list of feelings and needs for this.
Communicating unmet needs/values
Having identified and clarified what needs in you are not being met and/or values being challenged so that you feel able to communicate with the others in mediation sufficiently well, you should decide whether this is a need you are going to ask them to help you with or whether it is something you can deal with and manage for yourself by working on yourself (with your Coach for example)
If it is something you think you will need the other person in mediation to help you with or at least be aware of, you will now need to prepare yourself to be able to explain this to them and ask them to do something that will meet and respond positively to your unmet need and to do so in a way that will not be perceived by them as a demand but rather, as a request to behave differently (see the section about making requests not demands).
You can do this simply by indicating a desire/wish that they only do so if they are willing to do so, explaining how it would help you, if they did or could begin to or would even consider doing so. You are giving then a choice, a choice to help you.
If the other person perceives that they are at fault for how you feel or being blamed for how you are feeling or will be punished if they do not comply, they are likely to perceive what you say as a demand.
Some people are of course incredibly sensitive to feeling criticised, judged or blamed and generally come across as very defensive.
You will just have to digger a little deeper and work a little harder at making the point that it is their behaviour (what they said and did) that is having an effect on you and causing you (triggering) you to feel they way you do, when in fact you totally accept that this may not be their intent at all, separating intent from behaviour. You can even make the point that you are doing your best (your intent) not be triggered and react but would welcome their help as well.
Please remember that the mediator will be helping and supporting you both with this approach.
The other person is no different to you or anyone else in the sense that they are more likely to be co-operative if they are being asked for help and do not believe and feel that you are judging or demanding of them or seeking to control them in any way.
With your request you are in effect speaking and appealing to their conscience, their core human values, inviting them to behave in a way congruent with their values (which most people want to do).
This is particularly true where one person has complained of feeling controlled by you (whether or not you can see it from their point of view) and is therefore particularly sensitive to hearing anything which might be perceived by them as an attempt to control or or tell them what to do.
Indeed, some people can feel very sensitive to this especially if their past experience and narrative (see ‘value narratives’ as part of the ‘Insight mediation’ model) is based on ‘having been controlled’ during the relationship or previous relationships.
So, try this approach
Let’s assume for the moment that X has turned up late for the last 3 meetings to collect the children and you say to him;
When we have agreed a time to meet and you turn up late I get so angry because it makes me think that you can’t be bothered to turn up on time because you just don’t care and I don’t want to think that way.
(what you might also be thinking but not necessarily say is that X should know how important it is to you knowing how important time keeping is to you as a core value for you which might suggest to you that X is doing this deliberately).
I am sure/I am hoping that this is not the case (benefit of the doubt regarding X intent) because I know that it is also important to you that we are able to work together and respect each other, so I am just wondering whether you can help me understand why you have been late on the last 3 occasions and whether there is something you might need from me to help with this.
I know that recently we have not had the easiest of relationships and that there may be something I am doing which you are finding hard. If there is, I would really like to know, so that we can talk about it and about what we might both be able to do differently to improve things for ourselves so that we can…….
Here are 11 keys to creating ‘a connection’ and ‘space’ for a better solution focused conversation:
- Be specific with what you are asking for and why.
- Work on keeping an open, flexible and generous mindset. Perhaps using some grounding or breathing techniques before coming into mediation
- Come across as authentically and empathically curious, curious about what might be going on for X to be causing the lateness
- Give X time to think and answer your questions
- Distinguish intent from behaviour you are experiencing
- Use mutual language ie …also important to you that we can work together and respect each other (from ‘I’ to ‘We’)
- Validate what X might be feeling
- Acknowledge the mutual challenge ie we have not had the easiest of relationships
- Offer to work with X rather than just asking for X to change ie something you might need from me
- Be careful to frame it as a request, not a demand.
- Begin by giving the benefit of the doubt (trust)
- Do not confuse observation with judgement or evaluation. Be very careful to avoid the perception by X of judgement or blame.
- End with an invite to do something different ie a call for action.
These are all important keys but if we are to pick one of them out it is no 12 because it requires great care and practice (see rehearsal sections later).
For example, be careful to say; ‘I get really angry because I think you cannot be bothered’ rather than; ‘I get angry because you cannot be bothered’.
It might seem like a very subtle difference but this way you are also acknowledging responsibility for how you feel and being honest about reasons for your thought process and feelings whilst leaving open the opportunity for a conversation about a different explanation and perspective.
In other words, you may think that the other person cannot be bothered but that is an assumption which might be right but also might be very wrong.
Unless you are both able to have a conversation about what might be motivating certain behaviour, which is creating the conflict, you will find it very difficult to go on to have a conversation about what changes in behaviour might be required from either or both of you to influence more positive behaviour in each other.
It is also worth reflecting on the following fact however difficult it might be to accept;
What others say and do may ‘trigger us’ to feel in a certain way but does not actually cause the feelings. We do that ourselves.
Our feelings are the result of how we choose to receive what others say and do as well as our beliefs, expectations and particular needs in that moment. This can be an incredibly empowering thought and insight to reflect on.
If we accept this we are also led towards accepting responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings and how we react and respond, in mediation which can be incredibly empowering.
So, let’s start by avoiding assumptions about what the other person thinks, means or intends by their actions (even if we think this let’s start by giving the benefit of the doubt) and instead be empathically curious about what these actions and emotional expressions might be telling us about what the the other are needing in that moment.
Remember ‘seek to understand BEFORE seeking to be understood’. Offer before asking and create an environment of psychological and emotional reciprocity.
This re-focusing of our attention on connecting with the other person’s needs might also help us towards self-regulating (our emotional responses) and managing our own tendency to react defensively, thereby interrupting the ‘conflict loop’.
As we say, harder said than done but perfectly possible with practice.
This brings to mind another quote:
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit”―E. E. Cummings
We are ultimately the masters and mistresses of our emotions and can develop the capacity of self-regulation and restraint.
That said, we might need some support from others, including the mediator, to be able to do this and work together in mediation to achieve this.
In a later section in this chapter we write in more details about the skill of making requests so that they are not received as demands because this is such an important aspect to conflict resolution communication.