“Self-control is the best super-power you can have.” – Unknown but could be Spiderman
‘We are never angry because of what others say and do. Anger comes from our belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment’- Marshall B Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication
‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names can never hurt me.’
This section and video offers you a strategy and framework to help you manage strong negative emotions you might experience in mediation so that you are able to have a constructive value-based, outcome focused discussion about the things of importance to both of you.
If you really want to be able to manage your anger, in mediation, you will need to be able to divert your attention and shift your focus on to what you may be needing, in the moment, so that you are able to articulate this, as well as listening for and paying attention to what the other person may also be needing, in the moment, so that you can help them articulate this, rather than immediately reacting with blame and judgement based on assumption and, quite possibly, misinterpretation.
This can of course be very challenging to do so it might help you to consider the challenge in this way:
Although someone’s behaviour may be ‘triggering’ your anger, it is not causing it. You do that! (An empowering albeit challenging thought)
So, expressions like ‘he made me so angry when he did that’ simply serves to shift responsibility away from you on to the other person for how you are feeling leaving you feeling disempowered to manage how you are feeling, for yourself (and conversely empowering the other person who may be needing to be in or feel in control).
We live in a culture in which we learn to use guilt and shame as a means of controlling people, using phrases like ‘When you do that, it really hurts me’ or ‘when you say that, it really disappoints me’.
However, the reality is that ultimately you choose what you think and feel and how you respond when someone says or does something that feels challenging or threatening even though, at the time it might not feel like much of a choice when your buttons are being pushed!
When we judge, blame, find fault and want to punish, this causes and fuels our anger.
It is our thinking and believing that the other person is at fault, wants to hurt us and deserves punishment that causes us to feel angry, not their behaviour.
At that moment of anger, when we stop and choose to ask ourselves what needs are not being met for and in ourselves, as well as what unmet needs might be driving the other person’s behaviour, we are choosing to connect with what we and the other person may be needing in that moment of angry outburst, distracting ourselves from our own feelings of anger and frustration.
In this way we choose to connect at a core human level, at the level of human values and needs (opening up a space between us to connect).
We are choosing self-restraint, understanding and empathy over defence and attack.
Let us look at an example of what we mean.
If someone arrives late for a meeting a number of things can happen (perhaps a child pick up).
You could feel angry and hurt because perhaps you are needing reassurance that the person values and/or respects you and your time (the value and need for respect) or
You could feel angry and frustrated because you need to feel that your time is not being wasted (the value of time).
ALTERNATIVELY,
You could feel relief and gratitude because you can now use this time for something else and not assume that the lateness was motivated by disrespect.
In other words, it is not the other person’s behaviour but our own need for reassurance, respect or indeed, gratitude, that is influencing how we are feeling and ultimately, respond.
We are not saying that it is wrong or right (that would be a judgement) to need reassurance just that it is within our power to help ourselves by checking our expectations and narratives and reframing what has happened into a different perspective, so that we feel less angry and frustrated (and therefore more able to exercise self-restraint, self-regulation of our emotions) and manage our response. This way we move from feelings of discomfort to feelings of comfort and all because we chose to.
Albert Ellis PhD in his book, keep people from pushing your buttons, (a CBT approach) suggests a 4-step approach to manage angry responses based on a calm, self-curious, self-aware, rational and multi-perspective approach.
Step 1– Reflect on how you are feeling and acting, in the moment.
If you need to, step out of that space, for a short period of reflection to ‘reset’ your mental state. ie See Grounding techniques and Breathing techniques
Step 2– Reflect on what you are thinking about that makes you excessively anxious or angry (what important values to you/Needs are being challenged i.e. buttons being pushed).
What are you thinking about for yourself –‘ I don’t have to take responsibility for him anymore, I have had enough, I can’t stand it when he tries to bully me, I cannot think clearly’
What are you thinking about the other person-‘ She/he is such a liar, she/he never listens, I can’t trust him, she/he wants to punish me, she/he wants to control and bully me’
What are you thinking about the situation –‘ it’s hopeless, it’s so unfair, it can’t get any worse, it is easier to avoid this situation than do something about it, I need to get away from her’
Step 3 – Consider what to ask yourself to challenge your existing thoughts (self-curiosity and self- empathy)-
About yourself– ‘What ‘needs’ in me are not being met/values challenged which are causing me to feel this way’.
About the other person– ‘What is driving her/his behaviour, what ‘needs’ are not being met for them’.
About the situation– ‘The situation could surely improve if we communicate more effectively and make an effort to discover what is driving this behaviour’
Step 4– Substitute realistic preferences for your angry thinking-
About yourself– ‘Although I am concerned by his behaviour, I am not going to make things worse by reacting angrily. I need/prefer to find a way to express what I am feeling and needing in a way that avoids him feeling judged or blamed for his behaviour’.
About the other person– ‘I would prefer him/her to behave in a way that respects my views and ideas. I need to find a way of uncovering what it is he/her is needing to feel able to behave differently toward me. I will keep at it and simply make sure he/she knows that I care and want to know what he is finding so difficult. I want him/her to know that I respect his/her ideas and views’.
‘I would prefer him/her to behave less aggressively towards me but if he/she finds it too hard, I am not going to make it worse by reacting angrily myself. I will ask him/her to help me understand what is driving his/her behaviour but if this doesn’t work I am going to do my best to remain calm and not add to the problem’.
This approach might sound and feel overly rationale and challenging to do but it does provide you with a communication framework alongside the ‘Non-violent communication’ framework already referred to in previous sections in this chapter and is an approach your coach and mediator may be able help you with, one step at a time. You can also enlist the help of a Coach to support you to take this approach in mediation.
It is about achieving a balance between applying a rationale response in an emotionally connected way (see distinction between cognitive and emotional empathy) acknowledging the feelings you are seeing, sensing and hearing from each other whilst keeping one foot in the world of possibilities (alternative possible ways of looking at things/multiple perspectives) outcomes and solutions based on meeting each other’s needs and building personal agency.
Marshall B Rosenberg PhD tells us in his book- Non Violent Communication, a language for life, that at the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.
He goes on to write that anger is valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up (awakening, raising our internal and external awareness, our insight) to realise that we have a need that is not being met and that we may be thinking and behaving in a way that makes it unlikely to be met if we continue to judge, blame and punish each other.
This is why Marshall refers to this as ‘tragic expressions’ of unmet needs, the tragedy being that the need is less likely to be met if expressed in an angry, judgmental and blaming way.
If you are able to restrain yourselves from immediate reaction, judgement and blame (This can take practice and Mindful practice) and instead focus your thinking on what needs are not being met for yourself, as well as working with the other person in mediation to acknowledge their feelings and uncover their unmet needs, you are well on the way to being able to make important decisions together, in mediation and beyond.
You may also want to read the section and watch the video- 7 strategies for managing strong emotions, part of the series- Are you thinking about mediation?