“Don’t let negative emotions drive important decisions” – Author of Divorce Manual
In this section and accompanying video we write about and talk about a range of emotions you may be experiencing, as you try to communicate with your former partner and sort things out.
We will give you 8 tips to help you manage strong negative emotions so that you feel more able to focus on the things that need to be sorted out for yourself and children.
These 8 tips have worked for hundreds of our clients over the years.
In this section and video, when we write and talk about the kinds of painful emotions associated with separation, we do not of course do it to remind you about how you are feeling or to minimise, in any way, how you might be feeling. These feelings are very real and often feel extremely painful.
We do it to emphasise that what you might be feeling, however painful this might be, is a normal aspect of separation, loss and grief (see Kubler Ross Grief cycle)
‘Normalising’ feelings in this way helps many people to keep their feelings more in perspective, while still giving these feelings the respect and time they deserve.
If your separation is recent the feelings you are experiencing may be very intense and sometimes feel overwhelming.
If separation has come as a surprise you may be feeling numb, angry, shocked and bewildered.
If, on the other hand, you are the one who has made the decision to bring the relationship to an end, any feelings of relief that the relationship is over might carry with them a sense of guilt and responsibility about the consequences of your decision and impact on your former partner and children.
None of these can be avoided or nor should they be suppressed, only ‘managed’ by you, but how?
Far too often, early in the separation, we see couples eager to go to court hoping to ‘for justice’ only to find that the more they invest in the conflict and the longer it goes on for (court proceedings can take 1-2 years to conclude) the greater the emotional and financial price they end up paying, often for decades.
“Anger can be like drinking poison and expecting someone else to suffer”
If you are feeling angry and hurt the question you need to ask yourself is whether you want these emotions to take control and have power over you leaving your feeling angry and resentful, influencing your decisions and defining your actions or, whether you want to ‘keep a handle on them’ and focus on making decisions which are right for you and your children in the long term, despite the difficult circumstances.
This takes courage and commitment.
Our hope for you is that by understanding a little more about these emotions, why you are feeling them and by getting the right support at the right time (Divorce Coach), you will find a way of managing them so that you feel able to sort things out, with your former partner, in mediation, without needing the court, despite how you might be feeling about them.
We also write about the benefits of reflection and provide other tips and techniques to help with exercising self-restraint and emotional self-regulation in other sections of this Manual because the subject is so important if you are going to be able to ‘hold yourself together’ as you discuss potentially difficult subjects and in mediation.
So here are 8 tips to help you manage your emotions;
1. Seek to understand what has happened and why you feel the way you do–
We do not advocate long intense periods of personal internal reflection but some self-reflective questions can be very powerful, whether you do this yourself or with professional help.
Ask yourself these questions when something happens which makes you want to react defensively or aggressively.
- “What happened, what was said or done by my ex which triggered the reaction“?–
Try and be as factual as you can as you reflect on the exchange that took place with your former partner.
- “What does this tell me about myself (beliefs, values), my partner (their beliefs, values), our relationship (patterns) and our circumstances (context)?”–
For example, you may have reacted to something your partner said or did in a way which even shocked you. Why?
What might this be telling you about what is important/meaningful to you and your former partner, in these circumstances which you believed and felt was being challenged or threatened.
Expressions of emotions can be important indicators and clues of ‘needs’ (things you value) which are being challenged creating feelings of discomfort
Be ready and open to be curious and about narrative(s) (beliefs) you have formed about the situation and each other based on your experiences of each other and the assumptions you may be making about each other based on these beliefs? It can be very frustrating to feel misunderstood!
You might then go on to ask;
- “What more/else do I need to know to be able to understand what has happened and why?”-
This might typically involve sitting down with your former partner to explore different perspectives/beliefs, with or without professional support. The mediator and/or your Coach can help with this.
You might simply begin by asking the other person (and of course yourself):
“Would you be willing to explore a different perspective/different perspectives/different ways of looking at things/seeing things“
This is typically a truthful questions and answers session to get to the bottom of what each of you might have felt challenged by and why, what beliefs may be driving the behaviour and why?.
What might you each have been needing from each other in that moment that was not happening ie A need …..to be listened to, to feel heard, to feel that your views are being respected….?
If you believe that your former partner is not interested in what you say or never listens to you, you are more likely to feel sensitive to this and look for evidence to confirm this belief when in discussion with them, reacting to when this belief is triggered especially if you are feeling the need to be listened to in that moment.
2. Shift the focus from yourself onto ‘the parent relationship’ for the benefit of your children–
This may involve putting self-interest and your own needs aside to focus on communicating with the other parent to identify what your children may be needing from you and the other parent, working together.
How are you both going to work together more effectively to care for the children reducing the impact your separation may be having on them. Again, this is often easier said than done although it provides a positive focus on a purpose higher than self interest.
We cover this areas in much more detail in the Chapters all about working together to create a parenting plan and preparing to communicate in mediation. This is also covered in two video series of the same name.
3. Do not try to suppress your emotions.
Simply accept, recognise and acknowledge them when you feel them. They are very real.
There are no ‘shoulds’ here. What we mean by this is that it is not a case of whether you should or should not be feeling this way. They are what they are. These feelings must be allowed to come and go, observed and experienced, without judgment.
If you ‘sit with them’ and give them time, they WILL subside.
Just observing and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgement can begin to shift your perspective.
Keeping a journal can sometimes help you to clarify and articulate your thoughts and feelings, creating distance between ‘them’ and you, enabling you to observe and reflect on them and their impact, more easily and without feeling consumed by them.
We write more about the benefits of keeping a journal in the chapter about creating your parenting plan together.
Some feelings can feel overwhelming in the moment and require venting (getting off your chest) which is perfectly normal. The challenge is to vent in a place and with someone who can give you the space to do this without judgement, reaction or trying to ‘solve them’ for you. It is just another way of getting these intense feelings out and managed.
4. Be open to accepting and acknowledging some responsibility (not fault or blame) for your part in the separation.
This might be essential to enable you and your former partner to move on with your lives and, for example, continue effectively parent your children together.
This acceptance and sharing of the responsibility is one important key to ultimately feeling able to forgive oneself and each other for any pain caused especially if unintended.
Some couples find is helpful to consider the ending of a relationship in mutual terms, seeing it ‘the relationship’ which simply and ultimately did not work for them both and from which they can learn for the future, turning it into a positive for themselves and each other.
It is just another way of seeing things, a different perspective which you might want to reflect on, if it is helpful.
5. Do not try to manage alone with these emotions –
This is especially the case if you are finding the struggle overwhelming.
Build your emotional support circle around you.
This is where professional emotional support outside mediation may really help, which the mediator can discuss with you. It can be very helpful and supportive to work closely with a Divorce Coach at this time.
A Divorce coach is expert at helping you build your resilience and get the best out of yourself in difficult situations.
The mediator will be very alert to the emotions in the room and the part they may be playing in the decision-making process but there may be limited time to work with each of you, helping you to process and self-manage these, if they are preventing you to work together in mediation.
So, perhaps think about working with a Coach if it is going to improve your chances of reaching a a successful outcome in mediation.
6. Beware who you confide in–
It can be very sensible to seek out close friends or members of your family who are great at listening, without judging.
However, beware of the very natural tendency to need allies and friends to reinforce any negative narrative you might have about your former partner and friends who tell you what you may be wanting to hear, fueling the destructive emotions referred to above.
You will usually be able to find those family, friends and colleagues very willing to do so even if this comes from a place ‘of good intention’, from people who want to ‘protect you’.
However, this is unlikely to be helpful to you or for what you are trying to achieve in mediation for yourself and children.
Apart from anything else, please think carefully about the position you put these people in. They may also be friends with your former partner and their family.
We completely understand that this may not be uppermost in your mind at a time you need to feel emotionally supported but it is worth pausing to think about and what this may mean for important relationships in the more longer term.
A useful albeit challenging question you might want to ask yourself is:
“What advice would a ‘trusted and sensible mutual friend of mine and my partner’ give us both and how might they perceive the conflict and its causes from a more objective point of view ,wanting the best for both of us.”
This is one way of reappraising your situation ‘from a distant 3rd person perspective’ and something a Coach can help you with.
7. Focus on the future and desired outcomes-
It may sometimes be necessary to give yourself a good metaphorical shake to drag yourself out of thinking (ruminating) about the past and how you are feeling, shifting your mind to deliberately and intentionally focusing on the future and what needs to be sorted out about the children and financially.
Get your practical brain working, with intention and commitment, focusing on what is important to you and the children in terms of future outcomes and start putting plans in place.
Perhaps ask yourself how you want your children to remember the whole separation experience when they look back at how you and your former partner managed the present situation for yourselves and your children.
That can be a very sobering and challenging perspective to think about.
8. Take your time-
As we say, your emotions are very real and need to be worked through.
It is not a race. Please do not put too much pressure on yourself or your former partner.
Take time to process and manage these feelings. Be honest with each other about how you are both feeling (which is likely to be very different) and perhaps ask each other for the support and time you each might need from each other.
Build in time to the divorce process for healing. You both need to be sufficiently emotionally and psychologically ready for mediation and what it will require of you both.
In summary,
If you are able to do these things, working with the Mediator (and perhaps Coach) and co-operating with your former partner in a positive and constructive way, despite how you may be feeling, we are very hopeful that mediation will work for you.
- Seek to understand what has happened and what you are needing in terms of support
- Do what you need to do to support my children
- Do not try to suppress intense emotions.
- Be open to accepting some responsibility for the situation.
- Do not try to deal with it all alone.
- Beware who you confide in.
- Focus on sorting things out for the future.
- Take your time.
Please do not forget that we write and say much more about how to manage these kinds of emotions and communicate in a way that enables you and your former partner to work together in mediation and as parents in the chapters and videos about preparing to communicate in mediation and creating a parenting plan.
In the next section and supporting video we cover how to think about and succeed in mediation .