“If you want something you have to work for it”- Anonymous
Nothing changes without practice! So, if you really do want to reach our own decisions and agreements in mediation, avoiding court and keeping your costs to a minimum the question you need to ask yourself is: It it worth the effort and practice? You will only do it if it is important enough to you. If you are motivated enough by what you think can be achieved.
Persistent, patient practice will lead to progress, as you begin to see and experience each other’s behaviour as connected to and motivated by particular core needs you both have which are, quite simply, not being met, such as those key communication and relational needs, the need to be valued, heard, seen and understood.
How can you use this new awareness to prepare yourselves to share ideas and options for solutions and for that moment when it arrives, the moment in mediation when tensions flare, when the other person does or says something that triggers you to react with judgement and blame?
In this section of the chapter and video, we cover the importance of remaining self-aware and connected to how you are feeling and what you may be needing in this moment, so that you can explain this to the other person, in a way that is clear, honest and, importantly, non-judgemental.
The mediator will do their best to ensure that the other person receives the same opportunity and support in a balanced and mutual way because unless you both feel that the mediation process, facilitated by the mediator, is fair and balanced you are likely to choose another process option or even end up in court.
The mediator will also do their best to ensure that you both have an opportunity to explain to each other what you are feeling and needing for yourselves and from each other when those flash points arise.
The mediator will be curious and ask that you also be self-curious about which ‘unmet needs’ (values being threatened) may be driving your behaviour, in these moments.
If you are wondering again what kind of needs we are referring to have a look at the list of needs on the webpage which relate to this chapter which primarily relate to the ‘needs’ which go to the heart of good communication.
As well as being curious, we referred in previous section and video to the importance of self-restraint (self-regulation of emotions) patience, and tenacity, during these exchanges because the likelihood is that you and the other person will not get it right first time or even second or third time but as long as you remain focused with good intent and determination you are on the right track.
The important thing is to keep at it so that you can both see and feel that you are doing your best and experiencing things improve which will build your trust and confidence in yourselves and each other, that you can do this, that communication can improve.
This is where good anchor statements of intent and commitment can play a crucial role, as we have already written about.
When believing that we are being attacked most of us are programmed (hardwired) to either counter-attack with judgement, blame, and punishment OR avoid, disconnect or disengage, none of which are productive when the need in mediation is to be able to communicate and work with each other to reach joint decisions about things of importance (values) to everyone.
Although the mediator will do their best to keep you on track, exploring with you both to discover what might be driving the conflictual behaviour, the main responsibility and effort has to come from you both.
In this chapter, we write about the importance of accepting responsibility for what you think and how you think about each other in these tense moments because it is these thoughts and this ‘thinking process’ and mindset which drives what you feel and therefore how you react to each other when these ‘flare up moment’ arrive.
In this section, the time has now come to think about what you can do to prepare yourselves for when these moments arrive, how you can prepare, focus and adapt your thinking, and practice your responses.
You may have had many weeks, months or even years of arguments so you will probably have a good sense of your own triggers (what it is that the other person does or says that particularly irritates you and why) and the other persons’ triggers ( what it is that you say or do that particularly irritates the other person) and how these might play out, in mediation.
So, as you consider and decide how you would prefer to think and respond differently to these triggers, you may find it helpful to use the script framework set out in the next two sections to guide your preparatory thinking and responses.
It often helps to practice role play (with a trusted friend or preferably a communication expert such as a Divorce Coach), representing specific situations you have experienced on many occasions with the other person so that you can create and practice an alternative approach for what you are going to say and how you are going to say it, rooting this firmly in your mind, through practice, so that it becomes automatic when the time arrives.
In the next 2 sections/videos of this section about the importance of practice we provide you with an example script framework, which you may find useful.