“If you only practice sometimes, you will only be somewhat good”
In this section and video, which accompanies this section, we run through a script/framework we have created for you.
Let us start with what we refer to as ‘the triggers’, the things (said or done) which cause you to react, the things said and done which challenge or threaten one or more or your core communication needs or values.
This could be when the other person says or does something which you think challenges your competency as a parent or your integrity, if of course these are particularly important values to you. They seem to be for most people but think about these from your perspective.
We strongly recommend that you use the self analysis questionnaire helping to build a self awareness of your own triggers which we have prepared for you. You will find this in the document section of this chapter.
We have also prepared one to help you build an understanding of the other person’s triggers and therefore how you can positively influence the conversation with them.
Let us look at an exchange between two parents. Here goes;
Triggering event
I just can’t trust you to keep my child safe so you can’t pick him up this weekend until I have worked out what I am going to do. You’ve let me down again.
This is a potential fire-cracker of a situation.
You may be hearing the 3 biggies; Judgement, blame and punishment.
You may hear that you are untrustworthy (your integrity is being challenged), incapable of keeping your own child safe (your capacity and identity as a parent is being challenged), unreliable (your good intent is being challenged) and, consequently being told, by the mother, that you cannot spend time (which is so valuable to you) with your child (you note that the mother refers to ‘my child’, not ‘our child’) by a mother you believe and feel is simply trying to control, judge and punish you for reasons which you are either unaware of or reasons you find completely unjustifiable.
So, there is a lot in here to justify, in your mind, a confrontational response, a defensive reaction.
After all she has triggered a number of important/core values/needs.
Self-restraint/emotional self-regulation
However, at this point and moment in time, you must quickly remind yourself that you have choices (although it might not feel like it!) and that although observing in yourself that this has triggered some very strong feelings in you, it is what you are thinking and believing, in the moment, about the other person and what they are saying, which is triggering you to feel very angry.
You can actually feel the blood rushing to your head! You can feel yourself very quickly losing control.
At this point, you must draw on all your resources (rational brain), remembering that it is what the other person has said and done that is triggering but not causing how you feel. You are doing that all by yourself. You have the self control.
Please do not misunderstand, this can be a very difficult notion to grasp and very difficult to do, especially in the moment you hear these things, given how important time with your child is to you, given all your frustrations built up over time (‘pound of anger’) but you do still have a choice about how you react!
It requires a rapid shift from an emotional to a rationale response (it is a Pivotal moment) , a reliance on your preparatory thinking and practiced role play. A different approach. You have been practicing for this moment.
This is why practice and role play is so important so that you are ready for these moments when they come otherwise the old established patterns will simply repeat themselves.
How can one expect a different result if one keeps doing the same things!
We also realise that this shift from an emotional to rationale response can be tough because we live in a culture, and it may also have been the pattern in your relationship, in which we are programmed from a young age to assume responsibility for another person’s feelings and take what they say, personally, perhaps leading to feelings of guilt, self-blame or even shame, which is what we may also be defending ourselves against, when we react.
In this situation, you must very quickly connect with and focus on discovering to understand the needs in yourself which are not being met (need to be understood, trusted, respected, the need to protect your self-identify and, on a practical level, time with your child which is an outcome value) and ultimately, the unmet needs in your former partner which are driving their behaviour, so that you can create a dialogue with them, around these unmet needs and values, acknowledging them and focusing on what you can each do for each other, to ensure that they are met.
Again, have a look at the list of needs on this webpage.
You might say something like this to them;
When I hear that you cannot trust me to keep our child safe I feel incredibly angry and actually quite sad because I believe that you are questioning by ability as a parent to protect our child and that doesn’t feel great.
Be specific and clear about what you are feeling because of the core values in you that you think are being challenged. Please try to keep feelings and thoughts separate. ie ‘ I am feeling this BECAUSE I think…’
You might go on to say;
I am doing my best, in this moment, to remain calm but need your help to understand what I have done to lead/cause you to see and treat me in this way.
Here you are creating an opportunity for an open, honest dialogue around feelings and needs.
Having asked the question, the next bit can also feel tough as you listen to the other person’s complaint, criticism, judgments and blame, often packaged with expressions of strong emotions.
Again, the temptation will be to fly off the handle especially if you have had to, in your view, put up with this kind of volatile, judgmental and controlling behaviour for a long time.
However, if you want to stop the cycle of conflict, it will be for YOU to take responsibility, to lead the way (“leading with your heart and navigating with your head”-JH), to get to the bottom of what is going on in your former partner’s mind, what is driving their behaviour and decisions.
One of you has to start and you may be emotionally ‘better equipped’ to do so. It can also feel very empowering to do so.
SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE ASKING TO BE UNDERSTOOD.
You will need to practice really focussed, curious and empathic listening in order to fully understand what is driving the behaviour so that you can go on to checkback/reflect back, acknowledge and, if possible, empathise in a genuine and authentic way, ensuring that the other person believes and feels that they have been understood.
This will open up a space and connection (between you) for a much better conversation, a ‘learning space’, a space of mutual discovery.
It is at this point that the time and effort you have put into preparing and practicing pays off.