“It is your frame of mind and how you handle things that define you”
As you approach mediation, ready to reach decisions and agreements together, there are things you can do to help you remember your good intentions and focus your mind on how you are going to behave, interact with and respond to the other person, when the time arrives.
In this final section and video of this series we want to give you some things to think about and do, as your mediation session approaches.
Clearly, your frame of mind, ‘your mindset’, is very important.
First, it is worth reminding yourself of your intentions, referring to your statement of intentions and the questionnaires and guides on the webpage which supports this chapter, which you can share with the others in mediation.
It is also worth ensuring that you feel as calm and mentally present as you can be and consider using meditation, mindfulness and breathing techniques to put you in the right frame of mind.
Have a look at the guide on the webpage we have just referred to- detaching from emotional pain and basic breathing techniques and choose some the techniques that work for you.
It is also worth revisiting what we had to say in the section about connecting with yourSELF about the importance of listening to your inner voice and what it is telling you about yourself and the other person, as you approach mediation and completing the reflective questionnaire- SELF.
You need to build a clarity about your important values, carefully considering what you want and need from a mediated outcome from a practical, psychological and emotional point of view and, importantly, why these things are so important to you, the core values behind your objectives so that you can have a solution and outcome focused conversation around these things.
This process begins in the MIAM having completed your pre-mediation questionnaire to discuss with your mediator
With this in mind, we have included a ‘values sorting’ exercise and value sorting card in pdf format on the same webpage we have been referring to, to help you sort out the values at play within you and those of most importance to you, the things and factors which will be influencing what you need for yourselves in terms of communication (communication values/needs) and the outcomes (outcome values/needs) you seek in mediation.
We also recommend that you have a look at the list of needs on this webpage. The aim is to identify those values and needs important to you, which will be driving and influencing (motivating) your behaviour.
With this in mind, you may already have completed our pre-mediation questionnaire. If not, please have a look at our series about completing your pre-mediation questionnaire to help the mediator, before mediation starts.
Doing most of or all of these things should go a long way to helping you to keep your mindset and approach, in mediation, congruent with your values, keeping you on the path towards a successful mediation.
Remember and beware the enemies of self-righteousness, self- justification, self- entitlement.
Beware of the voices inside your head that tell you that:
- He should….
- She is suppose to….
- I deserve to….
- I am justified in….
- I have a right to…
These kinds of thoughts can inadvertently transform questions into demands and, before you know it, that is how they come out of your mouth.
Words perceived as demands and based on self-justification, self-entitlement and self-righteousness are all barriers to positive connection and empathic communication.
You have already heard us emphasis that when we frame our needs and the needs of others with these thoughts, perceptions and beliefs, we are quite likely to (or at least be perceived as) judge, blame and even punish others if they do not do what we ask or, at least, this is how they are likely to feel.
If you are struggling with thinking how to phrase your requests without the other person perceiving these as demands, read the section again, which is all about this and the guide-an overview of powerful phrases
As well as intentionally focusing on our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, it is crucially important to spend time imagining how the other person might be experiencing things and what they might be needing from you (empathic curiosity).
This will hopefully enable you to feel more empathic towards them as you attempt to understand and connect with their experience.
We cover this at some length in the section- understanding and connecting with others, in mediation. Also, have another look at your completed questionnaire for OTHERS
In a previous section, we gave you an example of the importance of trying to imagine what the mother might have been feeling and needing from you, given what she had been told by the neighbour about your behaviour, given how worried this might have made her feel about your son, given how she might be feeling about you (based on her past experiences) and given her sensitivity to criticism from you and others. Step into her movie, her reality, and be curious so that you can really begin to understand her perspective, her perceptions, her beliefs and feelings.
Building an awareness and understanding of how your behaviour might be impacting on how the other person behaves towards you (external awareness) will give you invaluable insight and enable you to more accurately rehearse the following before mediation;
- How to respond in a way that positively influences the other person’s thinking and behaviour towards you
- How you would prefer to respond if and when their behaviour triggers you.
Doing this is, of course, all well and good but there is often an intense emotional context affecting your thinking.
We completely understand, we get it. This is why we have written about and created a video called ‘sticks and stones’ focusing on the need for self-restraint (emotional self-regulation) in mediation, which you may want to read or watch a few times before you come into mediation.
In conclusion and as we previously mentioned, the objective in all this is not just to get good with the mechanics and skills so that you get what you want in mediation, it is to create a mediation environment and connection with others, built on openness, honesty and empathic dialogue. It requires a ‘Head and Heart’ approach.
The ultimate intention and overriding objective must be to improve the ‘quality of the communication’ and relationship, whether as parents trying to co-parent your children or simply as two people trying to work on important projects together or other important relationships resulting from your separation.
Finally, in terms of the questionnaires, you might also find it useful to complete the questionnaires we have called- reflection questionnaire SELF and reflection questionnaire OTHERS, which should help you to build a better understanding of why you think, feel and behave the way you do towards your former partner and they to you.
If you have read this chapter, watched this video series and are doing your best to improve communications, you have our complete respect.
Please keep doing what you are doing.
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