“Take responsibility for how your message will be received.”
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph…when it is resolved.”
When someone perceives you to be making a demand of them they have two options, submit or rebel. Both serve to trigger a counter response of submit or rebel and, so it goes on, a cycle of conflict.
Put another way, when under threat we tend to present with the following types of defensive behaviours:
- ‘Fight’- Confronting, attacking, argumentative.
- ‘Flight’-Avoiding, disengaging, disconnecting (distance ourselves from the threat).
- ‘Freeze’- Unable to think clearly or rationally.
- ‘Appease’- Submitting.
None of these behaviours are constructive when what we are looking for is a need for collaboration and connection, a conversation space between two people which permits the sharing of ideas to reach mutually beneficial outcomes.
In such circumstances, we often hear the accusation that the person asking the listener to do something or change something is acting in a ‘bullying, controlling and coercive’ way because this is what the listener is perceiving, feeling and experiencing. This is ‘their reality’ of the situation, what they are hearing and reacting to.
Requests are perceived as demands when the listener perceives and feels that they are being told what to do, blamed, judged, punished or an important aspect of their identity or their interests are being threatened or challenged (even if this is not at all what the other person doing the requesting intends).
Notice we emphasise, when they perceive (think) because as we point out above, their perception and how they feel as a result is ‘their truth’, their experience and the driving force behind their behaviour.
When your former partner has this perception (thoughts/belief) AND it is not something that you intend, there is a ‘miscuing’ (an incorrect assumption acted upon based on misperception or misunderstanding), which can feel very frustrating to each of you, for very different reasons.
The more likely a person perceives they are being blamed, punished, judged, controlled or made to feel guilty for not doing what others demand of them, the more likely they are to become more sensitive to perceiving and hearing a request as a demand and react in one or more of the 4 ways listed above.
If a person reacts in a confrontational way they are often labelled as ‘hyper-vigilant or hyper-defensive’, perceiving any request as a criticism, complaint, demand, or judgement, especially if, for example what they are hearing is not an idea or option they thought about for themselves.
On top of this challenge is the challenge of a lack of trust and willingness to give each other the benefit of the doubt about the intention that sits behind the request. There is no ‘default to trust’.
In these circumstances, the need for good intention, careful empathic language and actions are paramount.
What do we mean?
For example, if you want something from your former partner or work colleague and ask for it carefully and sensitively BUT blame or judge them if the response is not what you wanted or ensure that they realise that they have let you down so that they feel guilty (however you framed the original request), it was, by nature and intent, a demand. It had an expectation of compliance attached to it.
We can help people perceive our requests as just that, a request and not a demand, by emphasising upfront that we only want them to comply if they are willing to.
Would you be willing to, rather than ‘I would like you to’
So, for example:
A says, ‘would you be willing to give me some time to spend with my sick brother this weekend?
B replies, ‘would it be possible to do this as well as spend Saturday afternoon with the kids?
A is visibly unhappy with this response expecting complete unconditional agreement from B (This may well have been the pattern/dynamic when living together ie a dynamic of compliance, which creates an expectation of further compliance once separated, based on past experience)
Remember, we tend to get what we expect.
The more likely we are to hear or sense non-compliance with our request as a rejection (because there is an inbuilt expectation of compliance or acquiescence based on past experience) the more likely our requests will be perceived as demands. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy?
B responds when she sees A’s unhappiness:
You never seem to have time for the kids. You are always at your brothers.
However, the most powerful way to communicate a genuine request is to empathise when we don’t get the response we want or expected and not react with anger or sense of rejection.
Instead B could say;
I can see that something is bothering you (be curious, caring, empathic)
OR
I sense something is going on for you, do you want to talk about it?
A replies;
My brother has not be looking well recently. I know that he wouldn’t say so, but he is missing my company. I think that he would love a visit. I am of course happy to spend time with the children, it is just that I think that you don’t like me to be away at the weekends, so I feel a bit conflicted………
Understanding now why A is feeling this way and what he is needing, B replies;
Ah, I am sorry I didn’t see this.
Of course, we must make some time for you to see your brother. That is really important for you both.
We demonstrate that we are making a genuine request rather than a demand by how we respond when the other person(s) doesn’t respond in the way we want or expect.
Be clear with yourself about your intent and objective.
If your objective is to get our own way (because you need to feel in control) you are likely to fail, in mediation, especially if the other person is already sensitive to feeling controlled.
For a successful outcome, each person in the conversation needs to trust that the intent and commitment is to the quality of the communication and relationship (parents, work colleagues) and that it is about considering and meeting every body’s needs, not just your own.
Without communicating a clear good intention and commitment you are more likely to ‘run aground’ (see the importance of statements of clear intent and purpose which we write about in a previous section).
So, if you are asking for something from someone who is particularly ‘defensive’ try this approach;
Would you be willing to tell me how I can explain what I need from you without it sounding or feeling to you like a demand or that I don’t care about what you think or feel because that is certainly not my intention.
You need to be able to say what you would like from each other without either of you feeling like you are being controlled or coerced (or whatever it is the other person complained they felt like)
Also, you may want to try this approach:
When I explain to you what I would like or need more of I am not saying that you have to do it or I will make your life hell if you don’t (clarifying and frontloading the intent).
It is really important to me that we can hear each other’s requests as requests, not demands and I need your help with how I can express this better so that you don’t feel I am trying to control or force you to do anything (this respects and empathises with how the other person needs to hear and experience things).
This way you will hopefully come across as open, sensitively curious, honest, thoughtful, caring, authentic and empathic, a hard combination to resist!
When are thinking about and preparing to make requests, in the lead up to a conversation, it will help to reflect on and scan your mind for the kind of thoughts that can inadvertently transform requests into demands (self-justification/self-entitlement) because before you know it, that is how they come out of your mouth.
Watch out for the following ways of thinking:
- He should …….
- She is supposed to…
- I deserve to…
- I am justified in…
- I have a right to…
These words and thoughts are all subconscious barriers routed in thoughts of self-entitlement and self-justification.
When we frame our needs with these thoughts, perceptions and beliefs we are quite likely to come across as self-entitled, self-righteous, judging, blaming and even punishing others when they do not do as we ask.
On a final note, the objective is not to become good with the mechanics and skills so that we can get what we want but to ‘build a connection’ with those with whom we wish to and need to build good communication based on openness, honesty, authenticity, kindness and empathy (communication values/needs) so that we can positively influence each other, avoiding the need to coerce and control each other.
The ultimate and overriding objective must be the quality of the communication and relationship, regardless of the responses received to requests made.
Stay focused on that and you will cannot go far wrong.
Good luck