“Success is the realisation of a worthy goal…”
The ideal mindset to aim for in mediation is one in which you both feel ready, able, willing (RAW) and committed to discuss and explore in an open, honest, humble and authentically curious way:
The things of most importance for each of you (Values. Interest. Needs– VIN)- Your Drivers
AND
What it is about these things which makes them so important (gives them meaning) to each of you (Your WHY- Values: see below) so that you can go on to discuss and explore these together, making decisions and constructing outcomes together which achieve and meet as many of these things (Things of most importance) as possible for each and both of you.
We will refer to these things as your NEEDS (Values, Interest, Needs) focusing on, among others, your practical, psychological and emotional needs.
We might also legitimately refer to them as VALUES (things you value, things of importance*) but, for the sake of consistency they will be referred to as ‘needs’ in this chapter.
(We distinguish between things of Value and Values which relate to the core values that sit beneath the things of value and which make them so important to you because they relate to a core value)
The ability to have (albeit guided by the mediator) a focused, open, humble, honest, empathic and genuinely curious dialogue around these ‘Needs’ is crucial to the success of mediation.
Only then and when you have both taken the time and made the effort in mediation to explore and understand these things, will you each be able to explore and consider whether you are able to offer each other some, or all of these, in the spirit of collaboration, mutuality, reciprocity and ‘natural giving’, in an attempt to achieve a mediated outcome, which feels fair and ‘good’ enough to both of you.
The outcome is only likely to feel ‘fair enough’ to you if the process and approach (means of achieving the outcome) to achieving this quality of outcome feels principled and fair and the outcome has enough in it to recommend itself to both of you (Outcome values).
This approach might sound simple or, perhaps not. Anyway, this questionnaire is designed to prepare you for this approach and the part and responsibility you both have to work together in this way, if you want mediation to work for you both.
The first question is this –
Q 1. What would you like to achieve in mediation or, put another way, what are your best hopes for a mediated outcome?– Things of Value to you
The main aim of this question is to sharply focus your mind and thinking on what you want to achieve from mediation and what you need most from mediation, in a practical, psychological and emotional sense point of view.
This is a very outcome (future and solution) focussed question since mediation is an opportunity to explore what a good outcome might look like, feel like and mean to you, from your perspective.
People often say that they want a fair outcome but what does Fairness mean to you and to your former partner. The meaning could be very similar or, indeed, very different. Your job, from the outset is to discover where there is overlap and where the differences might lie.
Out of this question or exercise will come the most important ‘building blocks’ or ‘ingredients’ for each of you on which you will build your mediated outcome. Essentially, any outcome will need to incorporate enough of these things if it is going to feel and be good enough for each and both of you.
I often liken this to two people having to bake a cake together (The process) with aim of baking a cake they both like the taste of (The outcome), where the first stage is to agree the ingredients to go into the cake (Needs), before co-operative baking process can take place.
It goes without saying, but we will say it anyway, the things you both want to achieve must of course be realistic and possible to achieve, in the context of your situation.
These may be practical things such as a suitable home for you and the children, in a particular area, and enough income to live on (outcome or ‘end’ values), or they might be things such as better communication, a better co-parenting relationship and less conflict (process or ‘means’ values i.e. the means by which you achieve the outcome).
It is important that you spend some time thinking about these things, in detail, at a practical and emotional level and discuss them with your mediator.
Write this information down and build on it as you begin to think and continue to think and focus on them. If you have time you may also want to dip into the chapter-Preparing to communicate in mediation where you will find some guides and exercises to help you. We can definitely recommend the Values sorting exercise for this purpose.
They will be your positive Drivers, the things motivating you both to be successful in mediation. The things which will sustain you if and when the mediation conversation becomes a little uncomfortable.
It will be incredibly important for you to develop or at least beginning to develop a clarity about these things by the time you come to mediation, both for yourselves and for each other so that they become your reference points, building blocks and ingredients for a ‘good enough’ mediated outcome.
The mediator is likely to ask both of you this question, in some form or another, in mediation.