“It is much easier to focus and overcome challenges when you know what is important to you and WHY ” – Author of Divorce Manual
What is it about the things you described in answer to question 1 which makes them so important to you?
If you achieve these things, or at least the ones of most importance to you, what difference would they make to you and your life. What will they give you? What will they mean to you?
Spend time thinking about these things and write down your thoughts. Perhaps use the value sorting exercise to help you which you will find together with other tools to help you.
What is it that makes these things so important, so valuable, so meaningful to you?
Perhaps even give each one a number of a scale where 0 is the lowest, in terms of what would mean to you and 10 is the highest.
These things are sometimes referred to as the Values which lie beneath the goals which make the goals so important.
Your values are the things which drive or motivate you, the things that influence and shape your thinking, your beliefs, your behaviour and which provide the positive energy for the future, outcome focused mediation process.
This ‘value based’ question validates the first ‘what’ question (what do you want?) and exposes potential ‘positional bargaining’ which is the rather obvious and blunt way of negotiating by ‘starting high’ because you are expecting to be knocked down’ (often driven by fear).
This positional based bargaining, which we see far too often, is very different to the principled and value-based discussions predominantly used in mediation and which we are referring to in this chapter.
It can also uncover the process of ‘false bargaining’ which we sometimes see.
What we mean by ‘false bargaining’ is the process of asking for something so unreasonable or unrealistic in the circumstances or, at least something you know that the other person will not or cannot accept, so that it becomes ‘their fault’ that mediation breaks down and not your responsibility (Beware judgement and blame)
There may be many reasons for this kind of behaviour but, whatever the reason, it is very unhelpful and inevitably fails in mediation.
This needs to be avoided if mediation is to work in achieving a value based outcome for each person and mediation will only work if each person adopts a similar principled and value-based approach. Remember how we described mediation in the first chapter.
It is impossible to effectively ‘Tango’ if the other person is ‘Boxing’. They are very different types of dances with very different intents!
For example, some people prefer a very competitive and confrontational style of approach which is rather linear and one dimensional, whereas others prefer and are better equipped for a more co-operative, even collaborative, multi-dimensional, exploratory approach, more suited to mediation and the process of generating options for settlement.
The questions we are proposing here encourage each person in mediation to be responsible and accountable for validating to themselves and subsequently to each other in mediation, what they are asking for from each other, the reasons for these requests and to consider these things from multiple perspectives and perceptual standpoints.
There may be many different ways (options) of meeting important Needs and achieving important Values to you and your former partner so it serves to keep minds open, curious and flexible. It then simply becomes a matter of co-operatively and, ideally collaboratively, exploring options and creating solutions for meeting as many of these things for each of you.
Questions serve to keep both of you accountable to each other and the requirements of the mediation process. Questions stimulate creative thinking and ideas. Statements have a tendency to shut them down !
You may instinctively know that the things you have chosen are really important to you because they may also relate to the things you believe and feel are being threatened or challenged such as your home (practical value/need) or your ‘core identity as a parent’ (psychological value/need linked to self identity) if, for example, you feel that the amount and quality of time you spend with your children is being threatened, or perhaps the values of ‘respect and appreciation’ if you feel that your feelings and views on a subject are not being valued and respected (psychological/emotional values).
These are the things which attract the most intense feelings in you (Triggers and your Drivers). In other words, these are the things you value (really important to you) or why else would you feel the way you do about them.
It is crucial that the mediator and the other person or people, in mediation, fully understand what it is that makes these things so important to you and understand this at a deep, core level so that the mediation conversation, solution focused process and outcomes can be build on these things (building blocks).
To help them understand, you will of course first need to clearly understand these things, the things you are needing, for yourself and be able to articulate them, when the time comes. This questionnaire and your conversation with the mediator should help with this.
Some people benefit from additional coaching support with this preparatory aspect of mediation so please ask us, if you think you might benefit from working with a Coach. Also, please use our chapter-Preparing to communicate in mediation, if you feel you need more support in this area.