“I am half my Mum and half my Dad. I just want them to allow me to love both of them, as much as I always have.”
There is no getting away from the fact that parental separation and divorce can be extremely painful for adults and children alike, involving change, loss, and transition which makes it so important to frame separation as a process which does not end family life but changes it.
We completely recognise that managing this change and the process of separation and divorce can be very painful and challenging for your children, as well as for you, the parents.
What I write about here may seem very obvious, but it can feel very hard to do which is ‘to hold your children’s worries in mind and respond appropriately to what they are needing when you are in the middle of what is likely to be one of the most emotionally challenging and stressful events of your life’.
I write more about the separation challenge in the chapter at the beginning of the Divorce Manual-Are you thinking about mediation .
That said, this chapter focuses on your children and their worries, their emotional security and not your emotional journey.
What we know is that there are common questions and anxieties which preoccupy children when their parents separate and we also know that sometimes it is not easy for parents or children to talk about these issues – it can sometimes seem easier to manage unreasonable behaviour or attitudes rather than explore the feelings and emotions at the root of the behaviour.
We write much more about this subject in our chapter about working together to create a co-parenting plan.
So, what are the sorts of things children worry about when their parents separate?
- Children often worry about where they will live and whether or not they will have to change schools.
- They worry that having to move home /school will mean losing friends which can be an incredibly important source of security for children of all ages.
- Children have questions about how and when they will see their non-resident parent and other family members and need clarity about this.
- Children worry about what people will think – family members and peers – and may be experiencing feelings of shame compounded by a huge sense of loss.
- Children sometimes ask themselves; “Was it my fault and is there anything I could have done to make it better?”
- Children worry about whose side they should take, if anyone’s. They often feel conflicted by divided loyalties where they are aware of their parent’s conflict.
- Children worry, especially an oldest child, about being responsible for one or other of their parents’ emotional wellbeing and about what new responsibilities they may have to assume.
- Children worry about financial issues and fear they might have to give up things, such as ballet lessons or football practice, to save money.
Some of these worries and fears might be quite irrational but are nevertheless genuine worries for your children. They will feel very real for them, contributing to feelings of insecurity.
It is important to understand that it is quite normal for children to experience many of these anxieties at such a time.
As a parent you cannot take the pain and anxiety away but by accepting that your child has these feelings, showing them that you understand how they feel and by talking about these things with them, you can help to demonstrate and give your children the confidence that such experiences are manageable and survivable.
In chapter 13 of the Divorce Manual and series of short videos we cover:
- How children respond to separation and divorce, at different ages.
- The different ways in which children show distress.
- Some simple ways you can support them and make a difference.
- The situations where you might need to find extra help and support for your children
Have a look at a simple summary of the evidence as regards Inter-Parental Conflict and Family Separation prepared by Professor Gordon Harold
Inter-Parental Conflict and Family Separation – The Divorce Manual