What if your partner refuses to disclose their finances ?
Almost every other person coming to me for a MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment meeting) at the moment tells me that they have been sent by their solicitor because their former partner:
is refusing to disclose their finances
has completed a Form E (Financial Disclosure Statement) which is full of gaps
is refusing to answer questions about their finances
is trying to hide money and so on………….
If and when I get to meet their former partner and have an open, honest, confidential conversation with them I often find that their defensive stance towards financial disclosure is because of some ‘unmet need’ or other, driving their behaviour.
These are some of the unmet needs causing the behaviours we come across.
Financial disclosure challenges – CAUSES of defensive behaviours
Misunderstanding the legal process, language, obligations and responsibilities- Complex, unfamiliar, confusing, uncomfortable- Needing more clarity and understanding
Locked in a positional, competitive and adversarial process and mindset where resources are finite- Needing to feel more co-operation and collaboration
Reacting to how the information is being asked for- Sensitive and defensive. Feeling compelled, bullied, coerced and judged – Needing these feelings to be acknowledged. Beware of requests being perceived as ‘camouflaged demands’
Inability to think clearly (States of mind)- Psychological readiness, preparedness- Needing more time, space to reflect and feel safe
Lying, secretive, strategic- Needing to feel and stay in control driven by feelings of insecurity and fear-
Misunderstanding and fearing that by disclosing X the other person will want a share of it- Need for understanding and reassurance
Entrenched beliefs (entitlement, self justifying)-“The other person has always said they do not want any of X so why now”, “the other person abandoned us and doesn’t deserve anything”- Need for views/beliefs and feelings to be acknowledged
Based on past relationship arrangements – Need for privacy– “We always kept our finances separate and private”-
Approaches
Empower the person to make ‘the right’ decision and choices for themselves- Maximising their autonomy, agency and capacity for accountability
Don’t focus on the negative behaviours but on what is causing them- What is the person needing (practically, psychologically, emotionally) but is not getting that is driving the behaviours ?
Seek to understand current thinking, beliefs, views, positions, fears, worries, anxieties and ‘speak to these’ eg Need for reassurance
Seek to understand them as a person. Build rapport and trust in you ie personalities, communication preferences, states of mind
Gently challenge person’s existing thinking and feelings underpinning refusal, resistance and lack of engagement. through reflective enquiry
Ask them whether they value the need for everyone to be able to make informed decisions and reach informed outcomes in a process which focuses on reasoning and the sharing of views and concerns. Speak to their values (conscience)
Help them to see themselves as part of a shared financial disclosure process and solution- build sense of common purpose, agency and connection- From ME and YOU to WE/OUR process and solutions- A problem solving partnership/entity
Help person to understand reasons and need for disclosure- validate and normalise the process
Explain how this can be done in a way that is transparent, open, honest, mutually respectful, relevant, proportionate, collaborative- Focus on shared values and principles
Help and support them to engage and participate in a joint accountable decision-making process about decisions affecting them both
Try these approaches before rushing to court and see how you get on.
Good luck