“Emotions can distort rational thought so be curious about your own thoughts and beliefs and how they might be serving you” – Author of the Divorce Manual
In this section and video we discover some of the things which can sometimes prevent people (barriers) coming into mediation, wasting a great opportunity.
During our first telephone call we usually ask the person what they understand about mediation.
We receive a variety of replies, many of which are about right. They say things like;
“You help us sort out what we are going to do with our finances and the children but do not tell us what to do…”
Well, if this is right, why is it that more people do not use mediation, knowing that the alternatives are often to do nothing or go to a solicitor and quite possibly end up in court, spending many £1000s.
We believe that this is often because of misplaced fear often based on ‘limiting beliefs’, assumptions’ and ‘misperceptions’.
Many people make assumptions about what mediation involves and how they are likely to be able communicate in mediation.
Many of these are very ‘self-limiting’ assumptions and beliefs based on past experiences and feelings about the other person, the relationship and how the person communicates with their former partner when left on their own together.
They overlook or, at least, underestimate the positive impact a specialist and highly trained communication specialist facilitator can have, never having experienced working with one before.
Having asked the person what they understand about mediation, the mediator often goes on to invite them to take the next step towards mediation and meet with the mediator for a confidential chat.
At this point, they often say things like; “yes but..” or “ I am concerned about”
- “She’s made up her mind already so I cannot see any point to it…”
- “I feel at a huge disadvantage because he has always dealt with the finances..”
- “She intimidates me and doesn’t let me get a word in.”
- “He is so charming but really quite nasty and only wants his own way…..”
- “My fear is that she will pull the wool over your eyes”
- “We haven’t got anywhere with solicitors so why would mediation work”
- “She is refusing to disclose information to my solicitor so we need to go to court”
- ‘He lies. I can’t trust him’
- ‘She never keeps to any agreement’
- ‘He always has to have the last word, he’s a bully’
- ‘She just wants to delay things’
- ‘How do I know that you are completely impartial. He chose you, I didn’t. He always tries to control everything ’
And, so on……
These concerns are mostly real for the person, reflecting ‘real experiences’ and of course need acknowledging.
For the mediator’s part, they need to understand what the person is basing their thinking on or put another way, what assumptions they may be making about how mediation will ‘play out’ for them and any ‘perceptive’ barriers and beliefs they may have about each other, the situation and themselves, in view of the resistance and discomfort they are expressing.
The mediator will be listening for the concerns, worries and anxieties being expressed which reveals the Beliefs at work and the things of most importance to people (Values).
The truth is that people will not know whether it can work for them until they try mediation?
At this stage, sometimes the best the mediator can do is listen, validate feelings being expressed, acknowledge objections and concerns, summarise and reflect back what they are hearing and perhaps explore an alternative vision and possibility based on a future in which mediation might work for them and they achieve the things of most importance to them.
The mediator might ask;
“What if mediation is successful and I (the mediator) can help you both sort out a parenting plan that works for everyone, how different might life and the future be for you and the children..”
“What if, in mediation, your husband or wife is prepared to listen and work with you and me, to sort things out or, at least, I can ensure that you are heard and able to play a full part in the decision- making process”
People quite naturally have concerns, make assumptions and reach conclusions (beliefs) based on ‘their understanding’ of how they think mediation works and how it might work for them based on their past experience of trying to sort things out with their former partner on their own OR based on whether their solicitors have come to blows and failed to sort things out for them OR on whether they think they have the confidence and ability to work together with the mediator and so on.
These are all quite normal and understandable barriers.
The mediator might go on to explore understanding and invite other ways to think about the mediation opportunity, asking:
“What if you do not have to be in the same room. You could even arrive and leave at different times.”.
“What if I provide you with all the information and explanation you both need when you need it and ensure that it is understood.”
“What if I ensure that your views and concerns are heard and understood”
“What if I ensure a minimum of delay and that there is a full, transparent and honest factual disclosure”
“What if I ensure that you both have the opportunity and time to work through a whole range of options from your different perspectives, some of which you may not have thought about yet”.
“What if” I can help you and your former partner reach an outcome which you both feel is fair enough (is fair in law) and includes in it the things of most importance to you and your former partner
“What if” I ensure that you are given time outside the mediation session to reflect on your discussions and consult with your solicitor if you need to before committing yourself
AND “What if, it all gets too much, you can take a break at any stage and if it really does not work for you, you can simply bring it to an end at any stage without fear that anything said in mediation can be used against you in court.
“And, if it DOES work for you, you will have reach your own out of court settlement, saving thousands of pounds, to say nothing of the other emotional and practical benefits”.
“How does that (look and) sound to you. Is it worth a go? Is it worth trying out one session to see if it works?”
We recommend to everyone considering mediation that they find out as much as they can about mediation, read this Divorce Manual, research our website, watch our videos, read our guides, speak to an experienced family mediator and, most importantly, give it their best shot and experience it for themselves (The obvious exception to this is if the mediator decides that mediation is unsuitable for safety or some other reason).
The chances are that it will work for you and IF it does you will have saved a great deal of time, money and stress assuming of course that these things are important enough to you.