“One person’s craziness is another person’s reality” – Tim Burton
In this section and video we ask the 3rd and 4th questions which are these;
Q3.What do you believe the other person or people in mediation want to achieve and
Q4.Why do you believe that these things are important to them?
Having already talked about the first two questions, the 3rd and 4th questions in the questionnaire largely speak for themselves but may feel much harder for you to answer.
They ask you to consider and answer the first two questions in the questionnaire, from the OTHER person or persons’ perspectives.
They will reveal what you already know about these things or, more likely, what you don’t know but will need to understand and appreciate if you are to succeed in mediation.
This will give you and the mediator some insight into your understanding of the other person’s values, needs and interests and what you believe makes these so important to them both in terms of communication and the outcomes they might be hoping to achieve in mediation.
These are quite often the things that the other person has expressed concern about such as the selling of the family home or not seeing the children enough. They are the things that often cause people to get ‘hot under the collar about’ (triggers) when they feel them being challenged or threatened.
Having had separate confidential meetings with each of you (MIAMs), the mediator should have a clearer sense of how ‘aligned or misaligned’ you both are in respect of your understanding of each other’s values, needs and motivations (and expectations).
This awareness and understanding you have about what is important to your former partner is a crucial component of the right mediation mindset and good communication.
Your answers to these questions are likely indicate to you and the mediator where work needs to be done in terms of your awareness and understanding and where further clarity may be needed about each other’s needs and motivations, helping to create a better connectedness for mediation purposes.
Let us be clear, in asking these questions, no one is or will be asking you to agree to give the other person what you believe they want or need, only to develop an awareness and understand of these things, at a core level, so that you can go on to acknowledge, appreciate, affirm discuss and explore these with them, in mediation.
Please remember that one of the keys to a successful mediation is to build a clear mutual understanding of each other’s needs (relationship, communication and outcomes) so that you can both go on to have a meaningful dialogue around these, focusing on how to satisfy and meet as many of these needs as possible, for each other.
Most people know what it feels like when they feel heard and understood.
The alternative is often results in a ‘tug of war’ of misunderstanding, misperception, misinformation, polarisation, division, competition and conflict.