“Any neural pathway is built and strengthened through repetition. This is why practice is vital.”
Now is the time to sensitively explore (uncover) and discover the unmet needs which might lie behind the feelings being expressed by the other person and try to pinpoint for them and with them what conversational changes could be made (what could be said and done differently and how) for these needs to be met and for the other person to feel more able to trust you and treat you in a way you would prefer to be treated.
Ultimately, this is also all about you both being able to reach an understanding and agreement together (value/needs based outcome) so that you are able to pick up your child this weekend and spend valuable time with them, which is surely one of the main outcome objectives, as well as building ‘better communication’
(Another incredibly important objective, which we do not have time to go into here, is the need for your children to experience the two people they love most in the world, communicating in a way which ensures that the children feel loved and secure and not, caught in the middle of ‘a battle’- A shared common value- We recommend that you read the chapter all about the impact on children of their parent’s separation).
Your former partner might say something like (This is her narrative and not, as you will discover the only possible narrative or explanation but it is the one she has in her mind causing her to react);
Our neighbour saw you in the car with Billy yesterday and he wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that you would put him in this kind of danger.
It is completely irresponsible and just typical of you !
She may say this in a particular way that really irritates you. Again, you are feeling attacked, judged, and accused of being irresponsible and not being given a chance to explain (You are not being trusted with you own child! No benefit of any doubt is being given).
In this moment, you are trying incredibly hard to remain calm and rationale! You take a mental step back for a moment, focussing on being calm in the moment as you think about the situation.
You might even ask for a few minutes of ‘time out’ before re-engaging in the conversation (allowing the Amygdala part of your brain, which is firing away, to calm down)
(This is your narrative) It may be true that on this occasion you drove off assuming that Billy had put his seat belt on. He is 12 years old after all. Having said this he is also a bit absent minded and you are always in a rush so it is also quite possible that there were a few moments between moving off and checking that he had in fact put his seatbelt on and it could have been in this moment that the neighbour saw you and Billy.
So, you can imagine, from mother’s perspective, after listening to the neighbour, particularly this neighbour who doesn’t like you very much and knowing the mother’s personality (as you think you do), why she might feel as angry as she does, believing that in this moment, Billy, who she loves very much, was not safe.
Seen and re-framed in this way, with a calmer, curious, empathic mindset, from the 2nd person perspective (what the other person may have experienced and not your own experience) you can absolutely understand her reaction.
That said another part of you still feels hurt and attacked and still wants to defend yourself, telling her how wrong and overreactive she has been and accuse her of always overreacting and believing the worst of you. You still feel very angry at the injustice.
Don’t be hard on yourself. It is quite natural to feel this way. This is how we are wired! It would be only too easy, but not very productive to get into a battle of narratives, of ‘rights and wrongs’.
However, the time you have invested in role play with your Coach pays off and you quickly check yourself, recognising that although Billy’s mothers’ words have triggered you, it is what you are thinking and how you are framing the current situation in your mind which is causing the feelings you are experiencing. You refuse to give them power over you.
You immediately begin to calm down. Well, a little, anyway. You have given yourself a momentary bit of mental space and begin to think a little more clearly, with empathic curiosity.
Knowing and understanding this framework and approach enables and empowers you to think about, interprete and frame the situation quite differently for yourself and empowers you to exercise self-restraint.
It is Billy’s mother who needs your attention, support and understanding, not YOUR need (Ego state) to get back at her and judge and punish her for assuming the worst in you.
Let’s face it, you know in your heart (and head, for that matter) that you would never have intentionally put your son at risk.
So, you calmly and slowly reply
I can hear/see that you are really angry with me and afraid for Billy because this is something really important to you but would you be willing to/ can we slow this conversation down a little so that we can get to the bottom of what happened and what our neighbour might have seen in that particular moment you are talking about.
Start with a clear acknowledgement of what the mother may be feeling and why she may be feeling this way, before making a request, very careful to ensure that it is not perceived or received as a demand or criticism or challenge to her version of events or that she believes that you are simply ‘lining yourself’ up to have a go at her.
You can only hope that she is willing and able to calm down a bit but if not the key is for her not to believe that she is being or about to be judged, blamed or punished otherwise your request is likely to fall on deaf ears, feeling like a demand, dressed as a request.
No one likes to feel that they are being told what to do or criticised. This is not the way to get the best out of them and surely this is the objective here, to help your former partner have a calm, more rational conversation with you.
If she is unable to calm down at this moment you have two options;
- You either work on acknowledging her strong feelings until she indicates that she feels heard and try again with your request.
OR
- You step away from the conversation and out of this space until things have calmed down and try again later.
However, if the mother does noticeably calm down, you might continue:
When your neighbour told you this, I completely understand what you must have thought and why you would have been concerned and angry with me. I would have felt exactly the same?
Again, begin with an acknowledgement like this in the hope that this will open up a space for you to be heard and perhaps normalise how she responded, before you continue;
Would it help if I explain what I think your neighbour may have seen? I am not saying that she was wrong but would you be willing to hear my perspective?
Again, it is important that this is not seen as you trying to prove her wrong, or lining up to make an excuse, or making a ‘demand’ that she listens to you, which is why you use the words, ‘willing to’ because this gives the mother an opportunity to say no and is more likely to lead to her being prepared to listen.
Indeed, you may get some resistance from her as the dissonance created within her (between the voice inside her head justifying to her why you do not deserve to be listened to and the other voice tuned into her conscience suggesting that you might want to give you a chance, an opportunity to be heard, the voice of tolerance, patience and kindness) works itself out.
You continue with your specific request;
If it would help, could we then look at whether there is anything you would like me to do differently, that would reassure you that Billy is safe when he is with me so that Billy and I can enjoy our time when we are together because I would really like to see Billy this weekend and want to see whether you and I can make this happen.
If your former partner reacts again (as the dissonance plays itself out) with an accusation such as;
You just never listen to me when I remind you to do these things so what’s the point (she is talking about the seat belt), focus on the unmet need behind the words. See these words as the ‘golden’ opportunity and key to better communication.
It might be that she is particularly sensitive to feeling ignored, unappreciated, disrespected or even perhaps, undervalued by you and generally disempowered. When feeling disempowered, people do what they do to empower themselves to give them a sense of control or build their sense of self-worth.
It could also of course be that she has just become so used to you reacting and now expects you to react angrily and not listen to her. This pattern is something you may need to consider.
It may also be that she is and has always been very sensitive to feeling criticised or challenged. We all know people who react aggressively at the slightest hint of feeling challenged or criticised. We are all different, for different reasons and respond differently, under pressure.
Your task and responsibility is to be alert to and try to understand these things and what you each may be needing from each other, in any given situation. Be openly and empathically curious and continue.
You might respond as follows:
I can see you are really angry. I can really hear how frustrated you are. Is this because you think I don’t listen to you? Is it that you think I don’t want to listen to you or is there something else?
Again, begin with an acknowledgement to gain connection. If the mother doesn’t indicate that she believes you have nailed the reason (feels understood), which may be with something as simple as a nod of the head or calming down, keep going;
Do you think I intentionally ignore you or is it that you think I don’t respect you?
Is there something else I am missing that you need from me that you are not getting from me at the moment.
It is important for me to understand what is going on so that I can talk about this with you.
Explore with the mother with authentic sensitive empathic listening and curiosity.
Show that you really care about what precisely it is that you do which leaves her feeling the most angry and frustrated.
Give her time to reply to your questions. She might be trying to calm down and work out her answers and feeling under pressure.
The chances are that after a few ‘ is there anything else or is there something’ questions, you may discover why Billy’s mother has reacted in the way she has and there may be a number of reasons. There may be a number of core values being threatened or Needs not being met.
It may be because she believes that you don’t respect her as a mother.
It may be that she believes you intentionally ignore her to irritate her.
When you have ‘nailed it’ she will let you know with anything from a nod, to telling you that ‘that’s it’ and perhaps why she feels this way about you (perhaps feeling the need to justify why she has reacted so aggressively to you)
Whatever it is, it is important to get to the bottom of her beliefs about you and unmet needs, triggering her behaviour, the things driving/motivating her words and actions, so that you can have a conversation about what can be done, by whom and in what way, to reduce the repetition of these situations, improve communication with the mother and ultimately, so that you can see your son this weekend, achieving one of the things of value to you.
The questionnaire we referred you to at the beginning of this section should help you with this process.
As well as your son benefitting from seeing you he will also of course hugely benefit over time from his parents having a well-functioning co-parenting relationship, based on good communication skills.
There is plenty of great research on this subject if you need persuading of this but have a look at the chapter all about how children respond to parental separation and conflict.
Final request (solution and outcome focused)
Would you be willing to tell me whether there is anything I can do or say so that you feel reassured about Billy, when he is with me.
I really want to understand what it is you need from me (that you are not getting) so that I can work with you on these things, and improve things, and make sure that we can talk about these things in the future, without arguing.
If it would help, perhaps create your own scripts of conflictual conversations you have had with your former partner and then re- construct them for yourself, using this kind of framework, using some of the language skills in the guide on this webpage- powerful rehearsal phrases so that you can practice and get used to this approach and how to respond differently in mediation.
If you both do this preparation work you will certainly demonstrate a commitment to supporting each other as parents and, you never know, you may pleasantly surprise yourselves and make great progress.
Good luck.