“With our minds we create the stories through which we experience our world- Our reality is our truth”
In the previous section and video we wrote and talked to you about some of the emotions you may be feeling as you journey through separation, helping you to understand why you may be feeling this way and, most importantly, how to manage these.
To be frank, many of these emotions get in the way of us making the right decision about how to separate, whether to mediate or not and how to communicate with our former partner to sort things out together.
In this section and supporting video we want to share with you 7 ‘Thinking strategies’ or ways of thinking about mediation and your situation which are absolutely key to making the right decisions about how to divorce.
These ‘7 Thinking strategies’ have helped and continue to help 1000’s of separating couples come to mediation and to be successful in mediation every year.
Conflict can TAKE OVER our lives, IF WE ALLOW IT and destroy very important relationships including the ‘relationship we have with ourselves’!
So, what can we do about this?
Many of us need to change how we think about separation and divorce, how we solve problems and resolve conflicts arising from our separation and, in particular how we think about (frame for ourselves) and use mediation as a positive opportunity, to help ourselves.
Not surprisingly mediators happen to believe that mediation is one of, if not, the most effective way of helping most people to communicate so that they can manage conflict for themselves whilst reaching their own agreements.
In sections 8 and 9 we cover the mediation process in more detail and what mediators do. At this stage, we simply wish to invite you to THINK about mediation as a ‘positive opportunity’, so that you feel motivated to find out more.
In this section and supporting video we are going to help you, if help is needed, to raise your awareness of any negative beliefs and expectations you may be harbouring about mediation, about your former partner and about your own abilities which might be negatively influencing you and to go on and hopefully help you to see these in a more positive light.
Let us break down our approach into 7 parts.
- Focus on what is important for you and your family during and after separation- your ‘Why’ (What is important to you and why).
It is often easier to know what you don’t want than what you do want? So, why not try to reframe these as positives, the things you value most and would want any mediated outcome to achieve for you (End values). The things that have the most meaning for you, the things which reflect your core values and needs.
For example, in terms of the divorce process option you choose (see section 1- Compass process options):
- Is it important for you to be able to reach your own agreements and manage your own timeframes?
This may reflect the importance to you of self-determination (choice) and autonomy (independence)
- Is it important to save £1000’s in costs bearing in mind that the more you spend in legal costs the less you will have to divide between you?
This may reflect the importance and meaning to you of value for money and its availability to meet important financial needs?
- Is it important for your children to feel safe, secure and loved by both parents.
We rarely find parents who disagree about the importance of their children feeling safe and secure only how this is going to be achieved (The ‘means’ value ie the means employed to achieve the End values).
- Do you want to reach a fair financial agreement, fair to both of you?
However hard it may feel to acknowledge the importance of this, most couples acknowledge that they will find it difficult to reach an agreement together and avoid court unless they both ultimately believe and feel that the mediated outcome they reach is fair enough to them both.
- Is it important for you to separate in a dignified and respectful way?
However, difficult this may be to do in practice especially where negative narratives and emotions are intense, most separating couples really want to be dignified and respectful in their dealings with each other (Means values ie the means by which end values (outcomes) are achieved in terms of process, communication).
If these things and other aspects are important to you, ask yourself what is it about them that makes them important to you.
What would it mean for you to achieve these things ie Why are they important? Keep asking, probing and exploring this question until you arrive at your ‘core reasons’, the reasons which drive and motivate you and your behaviour, the values and meaning you attribute to them which ‘sit behind’ your goals.
Whatever your reasons, you need to have thought about them, be very clear about them and even priorities them so that you can describe these to the mediator and you can go on to consider, with the mediator, whether mediation is the process to deliver these outcomes.
It will be important to be clear about these when you come to complete your pre-mediation questionnaire before you meet with the mediator for your MIAM. This is so important for the success of mediation that we devote a whole chapter on how to completed this questionnaire.
A Divorce coach can help you elicit these values, the things driving your thinking and behaviour so that you feel in more control of yourself and the mediated journey you embark upon.
On a final note, please be aware of the voice inside your head that tries to convince you that although some or all of these things are important, your former partner does not deserve to have them because of what they have done or that circumstances justify you having more of whatever it is because of the way your former partner has behave towards you. This is the ‘defensive you’ talking and inviting you down quite a different path, one of self justification and self-entitlement and one that will make mediation a difficult process for you.
- Beware of seeing your differences as offering a win-lose outcome (we should perhaps include with this one, as briefly mentioned in the previous section, a note of caution: Beware of feeling the need to punish your former partner for their decisions especially where these have resulted in you feeling pain and hurt)
A Mediated separation and divorce is not about winning and losing. It is not a competition.
A mediated divorce is about each of you identifying and sorting out what you and the children need, during and following separation.
If you both end up with the things most important to each of you, the things of most meaning to each of you, from an emotional, psychological, as well as practical point of view, rather than focusing on getting as much as you can to the detriment of your former partner, the chances are that you will be successful in mediation and achieve an outcome which feels good enough and fair enough to both of you.
To achieve a fair outcome you must both feel that you have achieved enough of the things of most importance to each of you (End values) and the process you both choose to achieve these things must also feel principled and fair to both of you (Means values).
- Keep an open, curious and humble mindset and focus on the fact that it may be possible to sort things out together in mediation.
This follows on from what we had to say about this in the section and video covering common objections to mediation.
One of the most powerful enemies of a ‘mediation mindset’ is a closed, rigid and polarised mind and approach, one which thinks that it has all the answers and is not open to questioning and consideration that there might be other equally valid perspectives, views and ideas to explore on the way to constructing a value based outcome. Have a look at our guide about this approach.
No one knows whether mediation will be successful. If you are thinking about spending £1000’s on buying a car presumably you would not buy it until you have checked all the specification, the price and tried it out, experienced what it feels like to drive.
People sometimes say to us: “I can’t talk to him or her so how can mediation work?”
We want to reply: “How do you know, unless you have been in mediation and worked with an experienced and skilled communication specialist and facilitator, a mediator” or, at the very least, attended a MIAM to explore the mediation opportunity.
That may sound a little blunt but it is logical and true.
- Be curious about the mediation process, what it involves and how it works but please be careful where and from whom you get your information.
Read this book, watch our videos, research mediation on the website (we suggest some great independent websites in this Manual) and speak to a mediator.
Going back to the car example, we assume that you would seek the help and advice of a specialist mechanic if you have a problem with your engine, not a dentist. Equally, speak to a mediator about mediation.
We write and talk about your MIAM (mediation information and assessment meeting) in section 3 of this Chapter and the positive opportunity this offers to really find out what mediation is all about, before trying it out.
We believe that this meeting is so important that we dedicate a whole chapter to it.
- Beware of your internal voice and niggling doubts about yourself, your former partner and mediation.
At this early stage, even though there may be little trust, please be prepared to give the benefit of the doubt in respect of the mediation process and your partner’s intention, if you can, that they will come into mediation committed to work with you, in good faith (with good intention). Time will tell. ‘Actions will speak louder than words’
It is accurate to say that in almost every mediation there exists a ‘trust deficit’ between those involved to one degree or another but please remember that trust and confidence is multi-dimensional and can grow in certain areas, if allowed to.
You may be surprised by what you can achieve together in mediation, with the help of a mediator especially if you both believe that by coming to mediation you might just be able to achieve enough of what is important to each of you as well as avoid going to court, saving yourselves £1000 and a great deal of stress. So, go ahead and give it (mediation) and each other a chance.
We know that this can be a tough call. We completely understand that your experience of your former partner’s behaviour may not leave you hopeful and optimistic, at this stage, about how he or she will behave in mediation.
Negative patterns of behaviour can run long and deep, communication and trust may have all but broken down but the mediator will help you manage all this in mediation. This is what they do.
We ought to stipulate one caveat here which is that mediation might not be suitable in certain circumstances where the mediator concludes that they cannot provide you and your former partner with a safe space for your discussions. The question of safety is always paramount in mediator’s minds.
- Take your time to explore and think about mediation. Do not rush into a decision.
This will not cost you a penny, information is free but the wrong decision could cost you a small fortune.
So, please do not feel pressured into making rash decisions. Equally, be aware of each others’ timeframes and needs. It is a balanced decision.
It often makes sense to get into mediation quickly and early so that you can all discuss a reasonable timetable and action plan to avoid frustrations bubbling over, leading to lawyers and court. This will also give you a good idea how mediation can successfully work for you.
- Be clear about other options apart from mediation including how they work, the costs and timeframes. Have a look at our Compass process options guide.
It is that car again. We assume that if you are going to spend your hard-earned cash on a car, you will do your homework and look at all the other options. The same goes with mediation.
So, in summary
- Focus on what is important to each of you– What really matters
- Do not see differences as a win-lose situation but as something that is quite normal
- Keep an open mind. Beware of the enemies of rigid, polarised thinking.
- Be curious and ‘empathically curious’ if you can– Seek to understand
- Beware of your internal voice of doubt.
- Take your time. A hasty decision is rarely the right one.
- Be clear about all your options and their implications.
We hope that by now you may be thinking and feeling differently and more positive about mediation, the possibilities it offers and willing to find out more, with an open curious mind.
We hope that you will feel ready to think about mediation as a positive opportunity, to manage your own separation and reach your own agreements with as little cost and stress as possible.
If nothing else, we hope that we have tempted you to read the section and watch the video, in this range, all about mediation which we approach back to front.