You will not be surprised to hear that on occasions my partner and I have fallen out over something I did, but in our angry exchange, rather than take responsibility for my actions, I took a rather ‘high handed approach’, suggesting that I was not and should not be responsible for her feelings.
Which of the two responses do you think I got back, “in spades”:
“ Oh yes, silly me, of course you are right, I will calm down, I am responsible for how I am feeling and acting”
OR
“ You patronising arrogant arse”
You guessed it, reply no 2 and she was quite right, of course. In my defensiveness (defending my Ego) I was trying to shift responsibility onto my partner, for her reaction to my idiotic actions and words !
Here are the two truths I am talking about here:
- I am not responsible for my partner’s feelings
- My actions impacted on how they felt, resulting in how they responded to me, and I should be mindful of that.
When I am able to hold both truths at the same time, we stop fighting to be right and start working to be understood.
That’s what emotional maturity looks like, learning to validate my partner’s experience, without abandoning my own and there are many ways of doing this.
This is why, the well-known relationship psychologist, John Gottman, found that 67% of all fights are unsolvable.
We are not supposed to win these fights. We are supposed to manage them with respect.
Many couples, and particular the ones I work with in Family Mediation, never learn how to do this effectively-and over time, all that’s left is resentment because they stopped feeling understood.
Couples don’t have to end up there.
They/we can learn to handle disagreement with empathy, repair after the hurt, and make sure we both feel seen, heard, understood and validated.
The key is understanding and from understanding comes empathy and compassion.