“Some of the most crucial decisions you make are not about the things you decide to do, but the things that you decide not to do”
So, you want to get the mediation ‘ball rolling’?
You are separating, you have read about mediation, perhaps read the first section and watched some of our videos, think that you may want to mediate and pick up the phone to call a mediator.
At this stage, you have no idea whether your former partner wants to mediate or not.
You are not talking to them!
In this section and video, we explain how and why over 70% of the initial calls we receive and make, lead to mediation information and assessment meetings (MIAMs) being booked with you and your former partner and why this is a very good thing.
In this section and supporting video we will explain what we say and cover during these calls, why we say these things and how we communicate them to improve the success rate with our initial calls.
Let’s examine your first telephone call in some detail.
You have picked up the phone and you call us. You may be a little anxious but you are also curious and interested to learn more about mediation. You have lots of questions.
You may also be keen to make sure that the mediator understands your situation, how your former partner has behaved and how you are feeling about it all.
At the end of your initial call and if appropriate the mediator may encourage you to arrange a longer, more detailed 1on1 confidential mediation information meeting (MIAM) with them to talk about your situation in more depth.
The mediator will need to do this in a sensitive, empathic way, ensuring that you feel heard and understood and confident to meet with the mediator without being drawn into a long conversation with you on the telephone at this stage.
This can be quite a difficult balance.
The mediator may also ask you to help them understand a little about your former partner so that we can persuade them to meet with us when the time comes to arrange a pre-mediation 1on1 meeting with them.
Unless your former partner is willing to talk to the mediator mediation is a non-starter!
The mediator will completely understand that this may leave you feeling a little anxious about what your former partner is going to tell them about you and the situation, so it is very important that the mediator gives you time to explain the situation first, from your own perspective, and that they reassure you that they do not judge but simply assess whether and how they are going to be able to help and support you and your former partner, in mediation.
If the mediator does their job well, the first call should leave you feeling heard, supported and confident that the mediator knows what we are doing, with a date in the diary for you to meet and explain your situation to us in much more detail.
Please remember, you always have the choice about whether you use the mediator you are speaking to, or not. You need to feel that you can trust them and that there is some rapport between you.
Let us now consider our call to your former partner. This can sometimes be the tricky one.
They may have no idea that we are going to call which is why we often ask you to inform them that they can expect a call from us, if you are still communicating with them. The mediator often discusses with you how best to do this to increase the chance of your former partner wanting to meet with the mediator, since perception of the mediator’s neutrality is so important, especially at this early stage.
The mediator also often sends an email before a call inviting them to call them first. This email may alert them to the fact that if the mediator does not hear from them the mediator is likely to call them in a few days to answer their questions and any concerns they may have. That said, they may still not contact the mediator first and may be suspicious of the mediator’s motives for calling and even the mediator’s impartiality.
To understand the challenges with this call we will now take you through a typical conversation and pause in places to explain the reasons for what we say.
Please note that the following example only represents one type of approach and very much depends on the circumstances and objections faced by the mediator.
Remember that the main aim at this stage it to persuade the person to meet with the mediator for a more detailed conversation in a MIAM.
For the purposes of this script let us call your former partner, Elaine. You are Bill. We apologise in advance for any offence caused, especially if you are a woman. The names are of course purely fictitious.
Here goes;
‘Hello, I am Sam Smith, I am a mediator.
I have briefly spoken to Bill about mediation and explored with him whether I will be able to help you both.’
‘He has asked me to call you. Do you have a moment talk?’
We quickly identify who we are, why we are calling, stressing from the outset that we have only briefly spoken to Bill (and not had a good old ‘chin wag’ all about Elaine) and that we are here to help them both.
It is also important that we show respect for Elaine’s time bearing in mind that she did not ask us to call her. We also hope that this approach emphasises our neutrality from the outset.
We might quite quickly go on to say;
‘I explained to Bill that before going any further with him I needed to speak to you because unless you are willing to find out about mediation/explore with me the possibility of using mediation it is not going to happen’.
My hope is that Elaine will find it reassuring that we have only had a brief chat with Bill at this stage and empowering to know that mediation will not happen unless she wants it to (she needs to feel that she has a choice and that her choice is important, which of course it is).
You will note that we also stressed that the offer is only to ‘find out about mediation at this stage’ and not to mediate which we repeat again in a moment. We hope that this reduces any sense of pressure which many people can feel at this stage especially if it is a trigger for Sheila that Bill has always liked to ‘take charge’ (control)
At this stage, we sometimes hear people say that they suggested mediation a while ago to their former partner. This could well be true of course. It may not have been the right time for the other person or it could be that the other person feels more comfortable choosing the mediator and instigating the process i.e a need to feel in control, or some other reason (we do not to ‘mind read’ or judge).
It may also be an indication that the person we are now speaking to feels vulnerable and at a disadvantage because their former partner has spoken to us first or it could be a trigger, feeling that the other person is trying to ‘control them and the situation’. They may quite naturally be suspicious of their former partner’s motives in contacting us and see it as a way of them trying to control the situation.
Or it could because they would like to give us a good impression about themselves.
These are all possibilities we have to be alert to. As we say, we do not try to ‘second guess’. We just carefully listen to what we are hearing and sensing (clues and indicators) in terms of the concerns and worries being expressed (what is important to the person).
We may quickly continue;
‘As I say, I have only had a brief chat with Bill so it would help me if you could explain a bit about your situation, if you have a moment, and to let me know if you have any initial concerns or questions you think I can help with, at this stage.
Again, as with Bill, our main aim is to encourage Elaine into a confidential meeting with us to talk about all this in more detail and, again, to do so in a sensitive and empathic way without being drawn into a long conversation on the telephone.
It is very important that Elaine feels supported, heard and understood and equally important that she does not feel that we are forming any kind of alliance with her which may threaten our neutrality and effectiveness as a mediator.
Again, this can be a difficult but not impossible balance to achieve.
It is now time for some solid, authentic acknowledgement to win confidence and build rapport.
It is time for us to listen very carefully for the emotions being expressed such as anger and worry and listen to any objections or concerns being expressed because these will indicate to us the ‘barriers’ we might have to overcome before Elaine is willing to meet with us and perhaps what really matters to her.
We may be making brief notes on a referral form to come back to at a later stage, if needed.
We might go on to say;
‘Thank you for explaining that to me. I can hear that this is a difficult situation for you. I can hear your frustration (or whatever emotions we might be hearing or sensing).
Just so I understand, are you saying that it is the arrangements for George and where you are all going to live that you are most concerned about that you and Bill need to sort out? ‘
We briefly summarise and reflect back the practical issues we have heard to show that we have listened and, hopefully, understood the problem as it appears to them and, at the same time, acknowledge some of the emotions we have heard, creating some trust and rapport whilst trying to encourage Elaine to arrange a meeting with us, saying;
‘Would it help if we explain how we work, the process and how much we charge?’
We rarely get a ‘no’ to this question because Elaine will want to know how much we charge and what could happen next although we tend to stress the benefits of a meeting and provide reassurances before talking to Elaine about cost.
We go on to say;
‘The next stage is for me to have separate confidential meetings with each of you, to explore your concerns in more detail, what is important to each of you, and where any differences lie so that we can decide whether mediation is right for you both.
At the end of that meeting you should know whether mediation feels right, how it all works and whether you can both use it to avoid things worsening or, even ending up in court.’
Our aim is to focus Elaine on the benefits and outcomes before we try to bring the call to an end and secure a meeting because we know that so much more can be achieved with a face to face meeting.
We might conclude by saying;
‘Each meeting takes about 45 minutes to an hour. If you qualify for legal aid it will be free and if not, I charge £X plus vat for the hour. ( If a legal aid assessment is likely the mediator will go into some details about the financial evidence needed to be able to assess the client for legal aid etc)
I really encourage you to take one step at a time.
I am in your area on this Tues, next Monday and Friday. Which is the best day and times for you?’ (Unless, of course, you are arranging an online meeting)
Having agreed a date and time, if we can, we finish off by saying;
‘I’ll send you a confirmation email with the date and times we have agreed with some guidance notes about our meeting and a (web link to) questionnaire to complete. If you have any questions whatsoever about the process, before we meet, please call me.’
Hopefully, this section and accompanying video has given you a taste of what you can expect when you call us, whether you are Bill or Elaine.