Q&As
1. Do we have to ask a child expert to speak to our child?
No, although please carefully consider this question from your child’s perspectives and needs since there is a great deal of research available now which supports the benefits of enabling your child to express their views to an independent third party.
It is also worth bearing in mind that the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child stipulates that the child has a right to be consulted regarding decisions affecting them.
2. What if we (both parents) would like our child’s views to be listened to but our child does not want this?
In this situation, your child will be given information about the process and asked if they would like to speak to a mediator. If your child does not want to their views should be respected. Your child may have very valid reasons of their own for not wanting to speak to someone else.
For example, they may not want to feel disloyal when one or both parents have made their views very clear to their child or they may feel that their need to express their wishes and feelings is already being met in various ways or they may simply want to avoid any pressure they feel to speak to the mediator.
3. What if one parent does not want their child’s view to be heard?
Both parents must consent before a child expert can be asked to speak to their child unless of course this has been directed by the court because the court are involved. Remember that mediation is a voluntary process and both parents will need to provide their written consent.
4. What if I am worried that the other parent has influenced our child to express a view that is not their own?
Your mediator will work with you and the other parent to try to overcome any concerns that either of you may have and will not move forward with a child inclusive mediation process until they, you and the other parent all feel that you can work together to ensure that your child feels safe and secure to express their views.
If your child wants to be able to express their views to an independent expert both parents may just have to accept this and trust that their child will be honest in the views they express and ask the expert to feedback to them but discuss this concern with your mediator.
Please also remember that the child expert (mediator) is trained to recognise the impact on children of any pressure being placed on them by either or both parents.
5. What if I am concerned that our child has been alienated from me?
If you are truly concerned that your child is being psychologically and emotionally ‘alienated’ from you we recommend that you speak to an expert in this area to explore your concerns so that you can decide on your best course of action. In a case like this, mediation is unlikely to be suitable and the court may have to become involved.
We also recommend good reading material on this subject in the resources section to this chapter including a book by Dr Richard A Warshak- Divorce poison
6. How old does our child need to be for their views to be listened to by a Direct Child Consultant?
It is generally accepted that children aged 10 onwards (Gillick competent) are old enough to be asked for their views although it does also depend on the question of capacity (maturity and understanding).
From the age of 10 years, most children are able to state how they feel about the important things in their family and school life so this is the age above which mediators will speak to a child.
However, some children can feel ready and willing to speak to a mediator at an earlier age and if this is the case, your mediator would assess this with you.
Sometimes, younger siblings who are under the age of 10, want to speak to a mediator as part of a sibling group, but not on their own. If that is the case, your mediator will usually conduct two sessions, one a group sibling session and another individual session for the older child.
7. What if our child does not want the Direct Child Consultant to feed back their views to us, the parents in mediation?
If this is the case, the expert cannot feed back since the meeting between the expert and the child is confidential and this confidence can only be breached if the mediator believes that something disclosed by the child amounts to a risk of significant harm and then the expert must decide whether to disclose this to an appropriate authority (see below).
The child expert will, however, discuss your child’s decision with him/her, to help them to reach an informed decision about what to feedback and what not to feedback.
8. What if our child discloses to the child expert something that leads the child expert to believe that the child may be at risk of harm by one or both parents?
In this situation, the mediator has a duty to disclose the information to an appropriate organisation like Social Services or, in some cases, the Police, with our without the parent’s knowledge depending on the type of incident(s) being alleged and level of risk. If you have any concerns about this please speak to your mediator
9. Can other children attend CIM such as step siblings?
It is possible for the Direct Child Consultant to speak with other members of the family, such as stepsiblings.
However, it would be necessary to gain the consent of both parents of any stepsibling and your mediator would discuss with you whether this would be beneficial in your family’s circumstances.
10. When would we discuss CIM with a mediator?
Usually, your mediator would give you a brief explanation of CIM at the MIAM stage, so that you had time to give the process some thought. Your mediator would then raise the issue with both of you during a mediation session and would respond to any questions that you might have as well as ensure that you both understood and were willing to consent to offering this opportunity to your child/ren.
11. We are not sure whether our child/ren would want to engage in CIM or would benefit from CIM. What should we do?
If you are not sure whether CIM would be beneficial to your family, you could discuss this with your mediator. Mediators are trained to work with parents to consider children’s needs and wishes and feelings so they can help you to assess whether your child/ren would benefit from this process.
12. Will it be the same mediator who will speak to our child?
Although it is possible for the same mediator to speak with the child/ren as with their parents, it can generally be a better idea for a different mediator to speak with the children, so that the child/ren’s confidentiality isn’t breached. In our experience, it supports parents better if the mediator wasn’t privy to any confidential conversations with a child that the child didn’t wish to share.
13. How soon afterwards does the mediator feed back what our child/ren have said? How do we move forward with the information we might receive from our child?
Your mediator will plan these issues with you. Often, we will try to arrange for the feedback session to follow shortly after the child consultation. We find that both children and parents benefit from this kind of approach as it can feel uncomfortable for everyone if a child has spoken to a mediator but the feedback hasn’t yet been received.
14. Who arranges the practicalities? Where are the children seen?
Your mediator will discuss these issues with you. Nowadays, we often find that a video link to your child in a neutral location in their school can be a really comfortable place for the children to speak with a mediator. Your mediator will work with you to arrange these details.
15. How long does the session with the children take?
A child inclusive mediation session generally takes approximately 30 minutes. Some of that time is taken up with the mediator getting to know your child/ren and ensuring that your child/ren feel that they can trust the mediator.
Acknowledgment: I would like to thank Belinda Jones, Mediator and Direct Child Consultant for her contributions to this page of the Manual